Should I get my own lawyer?
6 min read
Yes. The moment legal proceedings are even a possibility — and certainly once she's consulted an attorney or filed papers — you need your own legal counsel. This isn't about being adversarial. It's about understanding your rights, protecting your interests, and making informed decisions. Getting a lawyer doesn't mean you've given up on the marriage. It means you're being wise about a situation with serious legal, financial, and custodial implications.
The Full Picture
Many men hesitate to get a lawyer because it feels like escalation — like they're admitting defeat or turning an emotional situation into a legal battle.
This is backwards thinking.
Why you need your own attorney:
Information, not aggression. A lawyer helps you understand your rights, obligations, and options. Knowledge isn't hostility. Knowing what could happen helps you make better decisions at every stage.
Protection of interests. Without legal counsel, you may agree to things that disadvantage you for years — custody arrangements, property division, support obligations. An attorney ensures you understand what you're agreeing to.
The process has traps. Divorce law is complex. Deadlines matter. Procedural errors have consequences. Things you say or sign can be used against you. A lawyer helps you navigate without stumbling.
She has one. If she's consulted or retained an attorney, you're already in an asymmetric situation. Her attorney is not looking out for you — even if things are 'amicable.' You need your own advocate.
Common objections addressed:
'Won't it make things worse?' Not necessarily. Good attorneys often help reduce conflict by managing expectations and finding solutions. Bad attorneys escalate — choose wisely.
'We said we'd do this amicably.' Great. Do it amicably with legal guidance. Amicable doesn't mean uninformed. You can cooperate while still protecting yourself.
'I can't afford it.' You can't afford not to. A bad divorce settlement affects your finances for decades. Many attorneys offer consultations, payment plans, or limited-scope representation.
'I don't want to fight.' Neither does a good attorney, necessarily. They can advise without attacking. The posture you take is up to you — but take it informed.
What's Really Happening
Resistance to getting a lawyer often comes from a psychological place — either denial about the seriousness of the situation or magical thinking that not lawyering up will somehow keep the marriage intact.
Neither is true.
The denial trap: Some men refuse to get an attorney because doing so feels like accepting that divorce is real. This is understandable but dangerous. The legal process proceeds whether you accept it or not. Denial doesn't slow it down — it just leaves you unprotected.
The magical thinking trap: Some believe that refusing to get a lawyer signals good faith — that she'll see they're not fighting and will soften. This rarely works. More often, it results in one-sided outcomes because one party was prepared and the other wasn't.
The relational reality:
Having a lawyer doesn't preclude reconciliation. Many couples have reconciled even after both had attorneys, even after papers were filed. The legal track and the relational track can run parallel.
In fact, having a lawyer sometimes helps reconciliation by: - Reducing your anxiety about the unknown - Giving you a buffer in negotiations - Preventing you from making fear-based decisions - Establishing clear boundaries that reduce conflict
Think of it like insurance. You hope you don't need it. But having it allows you to engage the rest of the situation with more clarity and less fear.
What Scripture Says
Proverbs 15:22 says 'Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.' Legal counsel is a form of wisdom-seeking. It's not adversarial — it's prudent.
Luke 14:31 uses the analogy of a king going to war: 'Suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Won't he first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand?'
Jesus isn't endorsing war. He's endorsing calculation — knowing what you're facing before you engage. Legal counsel helps you calculate accurately.
Getting a lawyer is also stewardship. 1 Corinthians 4:2 says 'it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful.' You have responsibilities — to yourself, to your children, to your future. Making uninformed legal decisions is poor stewardship of those responsibilities.
None of this contradicts pursuing reconciliation. Matthew 10:16 again: 'Be wise as serpents and innocent as doves.' Legal wisdom and relational hope are not opposites. You can be shrewd about the process while remaining pure in your desire for restoration.
Prudence is a virtue. Engage it.
What To Do Right Now
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Schedule consultations with 2-3 attorneys immediately. Most offer free or low-cost initial consultations. Compare approaches and find someone you trust.
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Look for an attorney who understands both legal and emotional dimensions. The best family law attorneys know that these situations involve real families, not just legal positions.
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Ask about their philosophy. Do they default to litigation or negotiation? Do they have experience with reconciliation scenarios? How do they handle cases where one party hopes to save the marriage?
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Get clear on costs upfront. Understand the fee structure, likely total costs, and payment options. Don't let financial fear prevent you from getting protection.
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Inform yourself, but don't inflame. Use legal counsel for clarity, not ammunition. The goal is informed decision-making, not warfare.
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Remember: having a lawyer doesn't mean you've given up. It means you're being wise while still hoping for the best.
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