Should I confront the other man?
6 min read
No, confronting the other man is rarely wise and often makes things worse. Your real issue isn't with him—it's with your wife's choices and your marriage relationship. The other man didn't break your marriage vows; your wife did. Confronting him typically leads to drama, potential violence, legal issues, and pushes your wife further toward him as she feels the need to defend or protect him. Instead of confronting him, focus your energy where it matters: setting boundaries with your wife, working on yourself, and addressing the real issues in your marriage. The other man is a symptom, not the cause. When you confront him, you're fighting the wrong battle and often losing the war for your marriage in the process.
The Full Picture
I get it. You're angry, hurt, and you want answers. The thought of confronting this guy feels like taking back some control. But here's what I've learned after coaching hundreds of men through infidelity: confronting the other man almost always backfires.
First, let's be clear about what confronting him actually accomplishes. You might think you're defending your territory or showing him you're not a pushover. In reality, you're often:
- Creating drama that pushes your wife further into his arms - Making yourself look desperate and out of control - Giving him power by showing how much he's affected you - Risking legal consequences if things escalate - Wasting energy that should be invested in your marriage
The harsh truth? He doesn't owe you anything. Your wife made vows to you, not him. She's the one who chose to betray those commitments. Yes, he's morally wrong if he knew she was married, but your battle isn't with him.
I've seen men who confronted the other guy and temporarily "won"—only to discover their wives found someone else within months. Why? Because they fought the symptom, not the disease. The real issues—whatever led to your wife's affair, the problems in your marriage, your own areas for growth—remained unaddressed.
When you confront him, you're essentially saying, "If I can just get rid of this guy, my marriage will be fine." That's not how it works. Your wife chose to step outside your marriage for reasons that have nothing to do with him specifically.
What's Really Happening
From a psychological perspective, the urge to confront the affair partner is completely understandable—it's a trauma response. When we discover infidelity, our nervous system goes into fight-or-flight mode. Confronting the other man feels like "fighting," which can temporarily reduce the sense of helplessness.
However, this //blog.bobgerace.com/ttc-protocol-marriage-lead-through-emotional-chaos/:approach often triggers what we call "triangulation." Instead of addressing the core relationship dynamics between spouses, a third party becomes the focus. This actually stabilizes the affair triangle by making the unfaithful spouse feel caught between two men, often increasing her emotional investment in the affair partner.
Research consistently shows that successful affair recovery focuses on the primary relationship. When betrayed spouses engage with affair partners, it typically:
1. Increases the affair partner's significance in the unfaithful spouse's mind 2. Reduces the betrayed spouse's attractiveness by displaying reactive, out-of-control behavior 3. Creates additional trauma for everyone involved 4. Delays the natural ending of most affairs
The most effective approach involves what we call "strategic disengagement"—treating the affair partner as irrelevant while focusing intensely on self-improvement and boundary-setting within the marriage. This approach respects your own dignity while creating the best conditions for your wife to voluntarily end the affair and reinvest in your relationship.
What Scripture Says
Scripture gives us clear guidance on how to handle conflicts and those who wrong us. The Bible's approach isn't about being a doormat—it's about being strategic and godly.
"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." - Proverbs 4:23. When you're consumed with confronting the other man, you're not guarding your heart. You're letting anger and revenge drive your decisions instead of wisdom.
"In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry." - Ephesians 4:26. Notice it doesn't say don't get angry—anger at infidelity is righteous. But it warns against sinful responses to that anger. Confronting the other man often leads to sinful behavior and keeps you stuck in destructive anger.
"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." - Romans 12:18. Confronting your wife's affair partner creates conflict and chaos when peace is possible. It doesn't depend on you to manage their relationship—that's between them and God.
"Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord." - Romans 12:19. God sees what's happening. He will deal with both your wife and her affair partner in His timing. Your job is to focus on your own character and choices.
"The simple believe anything, but the prudent give thought to their steps." - Proverbs 14:15. Being prudent means thinking through the likely outcomes of confrontation versus other approaches. Wisdom says focus on your marriage, not the other man.
What To Do Right Now
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1
Block or avoid all contact with the other man—no social media stalking, no driving by his house, no "accidental" encounters
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2
Channel your anger productively through exercise, journaling, or talking with a counselor instead of confrontation
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3
Focus on your wife with clear boundaries about the affair and expectations for your marriage moving forward
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4
Document everything about the affair for potential legal purposes, but don't engage directly with him
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5
Invest in your own growth—therapy, fitness, spiritual development, career—become the best version of yourself
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6
Get professional support from a marriage coach or counselor who can guide you through affair recovery strategically
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