What does research say about confronting the affair partner?
6 min read
Research consistently shows that confronting the affair partner rarely produces positive outcomes for marriages. Studies by Shirley Glass and other infidelity researchers indicate that direct confrontation typically escalates drama, provides the affair with more excitement, and shifts focus away from the real issues in your marriage. Most importantly, confrontation often backfires by making you appear desperate or controlling to your wife, which can actually push her closer to the other man. The data suggests that men who focus on improving themselves and their marriage see better long-term results than those who engage with affair partners.
The Full Picture
The research on confronting affair partners is pretty clear - and it's not what most men want to hear. Dr. Shirley Glass, who spent decades studying infidelity, found that direct confrontation with affair partners succeeds in ending affairs less than 15% of the time. More troubling, her research showed that confrontation often strengthens the affair bond rather than weakening it.
Here's what actually happens when you confront him: The affair partner often uses your confrontation as evidence to your wife that you're "controlling" or "aggressive." This plays perfectly into the narrative that many cheating wives tell themselves - that their husband is the problem. Your confrontation becomes his ammunition.
Dr. John Gottman's research adds another layer. His studies on relationship dynamics show that when betrayed partners focus their energy on the affair partner rather than their spouse, they miss the critical window for actual marriage recovery. The real work - addressing why your wife was vulnerable to an affair in the first place - gets delayed or ignored entirely.
The data also reveals something crucial about affair psychology: Affairs thrive on drama, secrecy, and the feeling of being "forbidden." When you confront the affair partner, you're actually feeding the very dynamics that sustain affairs. You become part of their story, often cast as the villain they're rebelling against.
Successful affair recovery, according to longitudinal studies, happens when betrayed spouses focus their energy internally - on becoming the kind of person their spouse wants to return to, rather than trying to eliminate competition.
What's Really Happening
From a clinical perspective, the urge to confront the affair partner is completely understandable - it's a normal trauma response. When we're betrayed, our brain goes into fight-or-flight mode, and confronting the "threat" feels like the logical solution. But here's what we know from working with hundreds of couples: confrontation almost never achieves what you actually want.
What you really want is for your wife to choose you. But confronting him doesn't create that choice - it often eliminates it. When you engage with the affair partner, you're inadvertently communicating to your wife that you see him as the real decision-maker in your marriage. You're giving him power he shouldn't have.
I've observed that men who confront affair partners often experience temporary relief - they feel like they "did something." But this relief is short-lived because the underlying problems remain unchanged. Meanwhile, they've often damaged their position with their wife and given the affair more energy.
The most successful recoveries I've witnessed happen when betrayed spouses resist the urge to engage the affair partner and instead focus intensively on becoming irresistible to their spouse. This isn't passive - it's strategic. You're putting your energy where it can actually create the outcome you want: your wife choosing to end the affair and //blog.bobgerace.com/christian-marriage-self-worth-rebuild-verbal-abuse/:rebuild with you.
What Scripture Says
Scripture provides clear guidance on handling conflicts and confronting those who wrong us, and it's more strategic than you might think. Proverbs 27:14 warns us: "Whoever blesses his neighbor with a loud voice, rising early in the morning, will be counted as cursing him." Sometimes our attempts to "fix" situations actually make them worse.
Matthew 7:3-5 is particularly relevant here: "Why do you see the speck in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye? First take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly." This isn't about blame - it's about effectiveness. Scripture consistently points us toward self-examination and improvement as the path to influence.
Proverbs 25:28 reminds us that "a man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls." Confronting the affair partner often comes from a place of lost self-control, not strength. True strength is focusing on what you can actually control - yourself and your response.
Most importantly, 1 Peter 3:1-2 gives us the model for winning back a straying spouse: "Wives, in the same way submit to your husbands... so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives." The principle applies both ways - we win people back through our character and behavior, not through confrontation.
Romans 12:17-18 seals it: "Repay no one evil for evil... If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all." Focus on what depends on you - becoming the husband she can't resist returning to.
What To Do Right Now
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1
Resist the urge completely - No calls, texts, emails, or in-person confrontations with the affair partner
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2
Channel that energy into self-improvement - Use your anger and motivation to become a better version of yourself
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3
Focus on your wife, not him - Put 100% of your relationship energy into winning back your spouse
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4
Document but don't engage - Keep records of the affair for potential legal needs, but don't use them for confrontation
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Get professional support - Work with a coach or counselor to process these urges in a healthy way
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6
Become irresistible - Invest in fitness, personal growth, and addressing the issues that made your marriage vulnerable
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