How do I pray through this?
6 min read
When your marriage is in crisis, prayer becomes both your lifeline and your battlefield. Start with honesty - tell God exactly what you're feeling, even the ugly parts. David did this repeatedly in the Psalms, and God honored his raw authenticity. Don't try to pretty up your prayers or use church language; just pour out your heart. Pray for your spouse even when you don't feel like it, especially when you don't feel like it. This isn't about them deserving it - it's about God changing your heart through the act of intercession. Pray for wisdom over emotion, for God's will over your will, and for the strength to do the next right thing even when you can't see the bigger picture.
The Full Picture
Prayer during marital crisis isn't just about asking God to fix your spouse or change your circumstances - though those prayers are valid. It's about positioning yourself in God's presence where transformation happens from the inside out.
I've walked with hundreds of couples through their darkest moments, and here's what I've learned: the couples who pray their way through crisis don't just survive - they emerge stronger. But this isn't prosperity gospel nonsense. It's about learning to pray in alignment with God's heart rather than just your immediate desires.
Prayer changes you first. When you're consistently bringing your marriage before God, several things happen: your perspective shifts from victim to participant in God's redemptive work, your heart softens toward your spouse (even when they don't deserve it), and you begin to see your circumstances through eternal rather than temporal lenses.
The most powerful prayers I've witnessed aren't eloquent or theologically sophisticated. They're desperate, honest, and surrendered. "God, I don't know what to do." "Help me love when I want to leave." "Show me my part in this mess." These prayers invite God into the real situation, not the sanitized version we think He wants to hear.
Pray with others. Don't carry this alone. Find trusted believers who will pray with you and hold you accountable to God's standards, not just your feelings. Sometimes you need someone else's faith when yours feels depleted.
What's Really Happening
From a therapeutic perspective, prayer during crisis serves multiple psychological functions beyond the spiritual dimension. Prayer activates the parasympathetic nervous system, literally calming your body's stress response and creating space for clearer thinking.
When couples pray together, even reluctantly, they're engaging in what we call 'co-regulation' - their nervous systems begin to sync, reducing individual reactivity. The act of verbalizing concerns to God often provides the same cognitive benefits as therapeutic processing - organizing chaotic thoughts and emotions into coherent narratives.
Research shows that people who pray during crisis demonstrate increased emotional resilience and better problem-solving abilities. This isn't just positive thinking; prayer shifts you from rumination (dwelling on problems) to reflection (seeking solutions and meaning).
I often encourage clients to pray specifically for character qualities rather than behavior changes in their spouse. Praying 'help my spouse be more patient' is different from 'make my spouse stop yelling.' The first focuses on heart transformation, which creates lasting change, while the second focuses on symptom management.
Prayer also provides what psychologists call 'cognitive reframing' - helping you see your situation from different perspectives. When you pray for your spouse's wellbeing even while angry, you're literally rewiring your brain's response patterns toward them.
What Scripture Says
Scripture gives us a clear roadmap for prayer during suffering, starting with honest lament. The Psalms are full of raw, unfiltered prayers: *'How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?'* (Psalm 13:1). God can handle your anger, confusion, and despair.
Prayer begins with surrender: *'This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us'* (1 John 5:14). This doesn't mean passive resignation - it means actively seeking God's will over your own, which often requires wrestling like Jacob did.
Pray for your enemies - and sometimes your spouse feels like one: *'But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you'* (Matthew 5:44). This command transforms both the pray-er and the one prayed for. It's spiritual warfare against bitterness and resentment.
Pray with persistence: *'Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up'* (Luke 18:1). Don't interpret silence as rejection. God's timing rarely matches ours, but His timing is always perfect.
Pray in community: *'Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven'* (Matthew 18:19). Isolation amplifies despair; community amplifies faith.
Let the Spirit intercede: *'In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans'* (Romans 8:26). When words fail, God's Spirit prays on your behalf.
What To Do Right Now
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Set a daily prayer time specifically for your marriage - even 10 minutes - and protect it fiercely
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Write out your honest prayers; don't edit for God's feelings - He wants your authenticity, not your performance
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Pray one specific blessing over your spouse daily, even if you have to force it through gritted teeth
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Find two trusted believers who will pray with you regularly and hold you accountable to biblical responses
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Read one Psalm daily and pray it back to God, personalizing it for your situation
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Ask God to show you your contribution to the problems before asking Him to change your spouse
Related Questions
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