How do I love my enemy when he's sleeping with my wife?
6 min read
This is one of the hardest commands Christ gives us, and I won't insult you by pretending it's easy. Loving your enemy doesn't mean being a doormat or enabling destructive behavior. It means choosing not to let hatred consume you while still protecting your marriage and family. Loving your enemy starts with understanding that this command is for YOUR freedom, not his comfort. When you harbor hatred, it poisons you, not him. Biblical love in this context means refusing to seek revenge, praying for his conviction, and trusting God to handle justice while you focus on saving your marriage.
The Full Picture
Let me be crystal clear: loving your enemy doesn't mean you're okay with what he's doing. It doesn't mean you invite him over for dinner or pretend this isn't devastating. What it means is that you refuse to let his sin turn you into someone you're not.
The man sleeping with your wife has declared himself an enemy of your marriage, your family, and everything you hold sacred. That's the reality. But here's what I've learned after years of helping men through this nightmare: the way you respond to your enemy will determine whether you emerge from this stronger or broken.
When Jesus commanded us to love our enemies, He wasn't being naive about human nature. He understood that hatred is like acid - it destroys the container it's stored in more than anything it's poured on. Your anger is justified. Your hurt is real. But if you let hatred take root, it will consume you while he goes on with his life.
Loving your enemy is a strategic choice, not an emotional one. It's choosing to pray for his conviction rather than his destruction. It's refusing to plot revenge while still taking every legal and practical step to protect your family. It's recognizing that God is a better judge than you are, and trusting Him to handle justice while you focus on what you can control.
This doesn't make you weak - it makes you dangerous to the enemy's plans. When you respond with character instead of hatred, you become the kind of man your wife remembers why she married. When you choose love over vengeance, you reflect Christ in a way that convicts everyone around you.
What's Really Happening
From a psychological standpoint, the command to 'love your enemy' in this situation serves multiple therapeutic purposes. When a spouse discovers infidelity, the brain's threat detection system goes into overdrive, flooding the body with stress hormones that can lead to rumination, revenge fantasies, and destructive behaviors.
Choosing to love your enemy - the other man - interrupts this cycle. It doesn't mean suppressing your anger or pretending you're not hurt. Instead, it means channeling those emotions in a way that serves your healing rather than perpetuating your trauma. Research shows that forgiveness (which is a component of love) actually reduces cortisol levels and improves both mental and physical health outcomes.
This approach also preserves your moral //blog.bobgerace.com/biblical-headship-marriage-feminist-lies/:authority in the situation. When you respond with character rather than retaliation, you maintain the high ground, which is crucial for marriage recovery. Your wife needs to see the contrast between the man she's with (who helped destroy a marriage) and the man she's married to (who chose love even in betrayal).
Psychologically, loving your enemy also prevents you from becoming consumed by hatred, which would rob you of the emotional and mental resources you need to fight for your marriage. It's not about being passive - it's about being strategically focused on what actually serves your goals rather than what feels good in the moment.
What Scripture Says
Scripture is unambiguous about how we're to treat our enemies, even when they've wounded us deeply:
Matthew 5:44 - "But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." This isn't a suggestion - it's a command. Notice it doesn't say 'love your enemies except when they sleep with your wife.'
Romans 12:19 - "Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord." God is better at justice than you are. Trust Him with it.
Proverbs 25:21-22 - "If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; if he is thirsty, give him water to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head, and the Lord will reward you." Your kindness will convict him more than your hatred ever could.
1 Peter 3:9 - "Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing." Your response determines your blessing.
Matthew 6:14-15 - "For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." Your forgiveness of others affects your relationship with God.
These verses aren't about being weak - they're about being obedient to a God who sees the bigger picture and has better plans for justice than you do.
What To Do Right Now
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Pray for him daily - not for his comfort, but for his conviction and repentance
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Refuse to plot revenge or engage in destructive behavior toward him
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Channel your energy into fighting for your marriage, not fighting against him
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Set boundaries that protect your family without crossing moral lines yourself
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Focus on becoming the man your wife fell in love with, not matching his character
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Trust God with justice while you handle your responsibilities as a husband and father
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