What does it mean that he's not my real enemy?
6 min read
When I say 'he's not your real enemy,' I'm talking about the other man in your wife's life. Here's the truth that will change everything: that guy isn't your enemy. He's actually another casualty in a spiritual war that's been raging since the beginning of time. Your real enemy is Satan himself - the one Scripture calls 'the destroyer of marriages' and 'the father of lies.' He's using that other man as a weapon, but the man himself is just as deceived as your wife. Understanding this changes how you fight. Instead of wasting energy hating a man who's been deceived, you direct your warfare where it belongs - against the spiritual forces trying to destroy your family.
The Full Picture
This is one of the hardest truths you'll ever have to accept, but it's absolutely critical for your marriage restoration: the other man is not your enemy. I know every fiber in your being wants to hate this guy, blame him, maybe even hurt him. Those feelings are normal, but they're misdirected.
Here's what's really happening. Satan has declared war on your marriage from day one. He hates what your marriage represents - God's covenant love, His design for family, the picture of Christ and the church. The enemy has been looking for an opening, a crack in your armor, a moment of weakness or vulnerability.
That other man? He's a tool. A weapon in enemy hands, but he doesn't even know it. He thinks he's just following his heart or helping a woman in need. He's been deceived into believing he's the good guy in this story. The enemy always uses deception as his primary weapon.
Your wife isn't the enemy either. She's been deceived too. The enemy has whispered lies to her about you, about your marriage, about what she deserves or needs. He's painted this other relationship in beautiful colors while making your marriage look gray and lifeless.
When you understand who your real enemy is, everything changes. You stop fighting the wrong battle. You stop wasting emotional and spiritual energy on people and start directing it toward the real threat - the spiritual forces trying to destroy what God has joined together.
This doesn't mean you ignore the other man's actions or pretend they don't hurt. It means you see the bigger picture and fight accordingly.
What's Really Happening
From a clinical perspective, this reframe is absolutely crucial for your mental health and marriage recovery. When men fixate on the other man as 'the enemy,' they often develop what we call 'trauma-induced tunnel vision' - they become so focused on this one person that they miss the real dynamics destroying their marriage.
This fixation creates several destructive patterns. First, it generates chronic anger and resentment that actually pushes your wife further away. Second, it prevents you from examining your own role in the marriage breakdown. Third, it keeps you reactive instead of strategic in your approach to restoration.
The //blog.bobgerace.com/spiritual-adultery-christian-marriage-counterfeits/:spiritual warfare perspective isn't just theological - it's therapeutically sound. It allows you to separate the person from the behavior, which is essential for healing. When you see the other man as deceived rather than evil, you can eventually move toward forgiveness, which is absolutely necessary for your own psychological wellbeing.
Moreover, this perspective shifts you from a victim mentality to a warrior mentality. Victims feel powerless and focus on what's being done to them. Warriors understand they're in a battle and focus on strategy, preparation, and victory. This cognitive shift is often the turning point in marriage restoration cases.
It also prevents you from making tactical errors that damage your case - like confronting the other man, trying to expose him, or competing with him directly. These approaches almost always backfire because they validate your wife's narrative that you're angry, controlling, or unstable.
What Scripture Says
Scripture is crystal clear about who our real enemy is and how to fight him. Ephesians 6:12 tells us the truth: *'For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.'* That other man is flesh and blood - he's not your enemy.
John 10:10 reveals the enemy's strategy: *'The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.'* Satan wants to steal your wife's heart, kill your marriage, and destroy your family. The other man is just the tool he's using.
2 Corinthians 4:4 explains how deception works: *'The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the glory of Christ.'* Your wife and this other man can't see clearly right now because they've been spiritually blinded.
1 Peter 5:8 warns us: *'Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.'* He's been prowling around your marriage, looking for weaknesses and opportunities.
James 4:7 gives us our battle plan: *'Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.'* This is how you fight - not by attacking people, but by submitting to God and resisting the devil.
Luke 23:34 shows us Jesus' heart toward those being used by the enemy: *'Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.'* The other man doesn't know what he's really doing - he's been deceived into participating in the destruction of a family.
What To Do Right Now
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Stop all direct confrontation or competition with the other man - you're fighting the wrong enemy
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Begin praying for the other man's eyes to be opened to the deception he's under
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Redirect your anger and energy toward spiritual warfare through prayer and fasting
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Ask God to reveal any areas where you've given the enemy legal ground in your marriage
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Start interceding for your wife's spiritual blindness to be removed
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Focus on becoming the man God is calling you to be rather than trying to defeat another man
Related Questions
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