How do I pray for someone who sinned against me this deeply?
6 min read
Praying for someone who has betrayed you through infidelity is one of the hardest things God asks of us, but it's not optional. Start with honesty - tell God exactly how you feel about what they've done. Don't sanitize your prayers or pretend you're not angry, hurt, or devastated. God can handle your raw emotions. Begin by praying for their repentance and salvation, not their comfort. Pray that God would convict their heart, bring them to genuine remorse, and help them understand the full weight of their sin. This isn't about making your life easier - it's about their soul's condition before God. As you pray consistently, you'll find your heart slowly shifting from revenge to genuine concern for their spiritual welfare.
The Full Picture
When your spouse has had an affair, the command to pray for them feels impossible. Every fiber of your being wants justice, wants them to hurt like they've hurt you, wants God to make them pay for what they've done. These feelings are normal and human - but they're not where God wants you to stay.
Praying for someone who has sinned against you this deeply isn't about being weak or letting them off the hook. It's about your obedience to God and your own spiritual health. Harboring bitterness and refusing to pray for them will poison your soul faster than their sin ever could.
The goal isn't to feel good about praying for them. The goal is to be obedient whether you feel like it or not. Many betrayed spouses think they need to forgive first, then pray. That's backwards. Prayer often leads to forgiveness, not the other way around.
Start with brutal honesty before God. Tell Him you don't want to pray for your spouse. Tell Him you want them to suffer. Tell Him you're angry at both your spouse and Him for allowing this to happen. God isn't shocked by your emotions - He's waiting for you to bring them to Him instead of nursing them in secret.
As you pray consistently, something supernatural happens. Your heart begins to align with God's heart. You start seeing your spouse as God sees them - a broken, sinful person in desperate need of redemption, just like you are. This doesn't excuse their behavior or minimize your pain, but it changes your perspective on who they are and what they need most.
What's Really Happening
From a psychological standpoint, prayer for someone who has deeply wounded you serves multiple therapeutic functions. When we pray for those who have hurt us, we're engaging in what research calls 'cognitive restructuring' - literally rewiring how our brain processes the trauma and betrayal.
The act of prayer activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which calms the fight-or-flight response that betrayed spouses live with daily. Regular prayer practice has been shown to reduce cortisol levels, lower blood pressure, and decrease symptoms of PTSD - all common after discovering infidelity.
What's fascinating is that praying for your offender actually helps break the trauma bond more effectively than trying to 'get over it' through willpower alone. When we pray for someone's repentance and //blog.bobgerace.com/holy-spirit-intelligence-christian-marriage/:spiritual welfare, we're taking back psychological control. Instead of being a victim waiting for them to change, we become an active participant in their spiritual restoration.
This doesn't mean suppressing anger or pain - those emotions need to be processed honestly. But prayer provides a container for those emotions while preventing them from calcifying into permanent bitterness. Many of my clients report that they began praying for their unfaithful spouse out of obedience, not desire, but found that consistent prayer gradually shifted their entire emotional landscape in ways they never expected.
What Scripture Says
Scripture doesn't give us a pass when it comes to praying for those who hurt us. Jesus was crystal clear: "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you" (Matthew 5:44). When your spouse has an affair, they've become your enemy in the most intimate way possible - but the command still stands.
Paul shows us how to pray for those who've wronged us: "Do not repay anyone evil for evil... Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath" (Romans 12:17-19). This means your prayers should focus on leaving justice to God while you focus on obedience.
The model prayer Jesus taught us includes "Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors" (Matthew 6:12). Notice the connection - our forgiveness from God is tied to our forgiveness of others. This isn't about earning salvation, but about maintaining fellowship with our heavenly Father.
James gives us the most challenging instruction: "Pray for each other so that you may be healed" (James 5:16). Your spouse's spiritual healing is connected to your prayers for them. Stephen demonstrated this as he was being murdered: "Lord, do not hold this sin against them" (Acts 7:60).
Psalm 35 shows us we can bring our anger and pain to God honestly while still praying for those who've hurt us. David poured out his heart about his enemies, then chose to pray for their welfare. "Yet when they were ill, I put on sackcloth and humbled myself with fasting. When my prayers returned to me unanswered, I went about mourning as though for my friend or brother" (Psalm 35:13-14).
What To Do Right Now
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Start with honesty - Tell God exactly how you feel about your spouse right now, holding nothing back
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Pray for their repentance - Ask God to convict their heart and bring them to genuine remorse for their sin
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Pray for their salvation - Focus on their eternal soul, not your temporary comfort or reconciliation
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Ask for your own heart change - Pray that God would give you His perspective on your spouse and situation
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Pray Scripture over them - Use verses about repentance, restoration, and God's mercy as your prayer guide
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Commit to consistency - Set a specific time daily to pray for them, whether you feel like it or not
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