What are the rules of separation?
6 min read
The rules of separation should cover: timeline (when you'll reassess), contact (how often, what kind), dating (ideally: neither party dates), finances (who pays what), children (parenting schedule, communication), living arrangements (who stays where), and therapy (commitment to individual and/or couples work). Rules aren't punitive — they're protective. Separation without structure becomes drift, and drift becomes divorce.
The Full Picture
Most couples separate without establishing clear rules. This is a mistake. Without structure, separation becomes a liminal state where anything goes — and that ambiguity usually serves the partner who's leaning out, not the one fighting for the marriage.
Essential rules to establish:
1. Timeline - When will you formally reassess the separation? - What are the criteria for that assessment? - Is this 90 days? Six months? Have a date.
2. Contact - How often will you communicate about non-logistical matters? - What methods (text, call, in-person)? - What's off-limits (showing up unannounced, excessive texting)?
3. Dating/romantic involvement - Are either of you free to date others? - What counts as dating? (Be specific.) - What are consequences if this is violated?
4. Physical intimacy - Is physical intimacy between you still on the table? - If so, under what circumstances? - If not, is that mutual?
5. Finances - Who pays the mortgage/rent? - How are other bills divided? - Are accounts separated or shared? - What about discretionary spending?
6. Children - What's the parenting schedule? - How do you communicate about kids? - What do you tell them about the separation? - How do you handle events (school, sports, holidays)?
7. Therapeutic work - Is individual therapy required for both? - Will you continue couples counseling? - How will you share what you're learning?
8. Living arrangements - Who stays in the home? - Can the other person visit? Under what circumstances? - What about shared spaces, belongings, mail?
These conversations are uncomfortable. That's exactly why most couples avoid them — and why most separations fail.
What's Really Happening
From a clinical perspective, the rules of separation serve a critical psychological function: they maintain the container of the marriage even while creating physical distance.
Marriage is a container — a bounded relationship with norms, expectations, and commitments. When you separate without rules, you effectively dissolve the container. Both parties begin acting as if they're single. This makes reunion not only unlikely but psychologically disorienting.
What research tells us about effective separation rules:
Timeline matters enormously. Open-ended separations show significantly worse outcomes than time-limited ones. The deadline creates urgency and prevents drift. Ninety days is often recommended as a starting point — long enough for meaningful work, short enough to maintain focus.
Dating restrictions predict outcomes. Couples who agree to not see others during separation are 3-4 times more likely to reconcile than those who don't. Once a new romantic interest enters the picture, reconciliation becomes extremely rare.
Therapeutic engagement is essential. Separation without professional support tends to be used for avoidance rather than growth. Requiring therapy makes the separation purposeful.
Contact rules reduce conflict. Undefined contact leads to either over-pursuit (one party constantly reaching out) or complete cutoff (no positive connection maintained). Neither serves reconciliation.
The negotiation itself is diagnostic. How she responds to your request for clear rules tells you a lot. If she resists structure, timeline, or dating restrictions, she's likely already decided this is over. If she engages seriously, there may be genuine hope.
What Scripture Says
The concept of covenant includes boundaries. God's covenants with Israel always included specific terms — what was required, what was prohibited, what the timeline looked like, what the consequences were for violation.
Genesis 17 records God's covenant with Abraham: 'This is my covenant with you...' followed by specific terms. Exodus 19-24 lays out the covenant at Sinai with extraordinary detail.
Covenant without definition isn't covenant — it's chaos.
Your marriage is a covenant. If you're entering a season of separation, that season should also be covenanted — bounded by mutual agreements that honor the marriage even in its difficulty.
1 Corinthians 7:5 again: separation 'by agreement for a limited time.' Agreement means mutual consent to specific terms. Limited time means a defined boundary. This isn't just good advice — it's the biblical pattern.
Hebrews 12:14 calls us to 'strive for peace with everyone.' The rules of separation aren't about control — they're about peace. Clear expectations reduce conflict. Ambiguity breeds resentment and anxiety.
Establishing rules is an act of respect — for her, for yourself, for the marriage you're still trying to save. It says: 'This relationship still matters. It still deserves intentionality, even in its most broken season.'
What To Do Right Now
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1
Write out your proposed rules before the conversation. Cover all eight areas: timeline, contact, dating, intimacy, finances, children, therapy, and living arrangements.
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2
Ask for a dedicated conversation about separation structure. Don't try to establish this in the heat of conflict.
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3
Listen to her counter-proposals. This is a negotiation. You may not get everything you want, but you need something.
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4
Get it in writing. Not as a legal document, but as a shared reference. Email it to each other so there's no ambiguity about what was agreed.
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5
If she refuses to establish rules, note that. It's diagnostic. Someone committed to reconciliation welcomes structure. Someone committed to exit resists it.
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6
Review and adjust. Agree to revisit the rules at defined intervals. What made sense at week one may need tweaking at week six.
Related Questions
Structure Prevents Drift
Unstructured separation almost always ends in divorce. Let me help you establish rules that protect the marriage through the storm.
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