What did Paul mean and not mean?
6 min read
Paul's teachings on marriage in Ephesians 5 have been misunderstood for centuries. When Paul wrote about wives submitting and husbands being head, he wasn't establishing a hierarchy where men dominate women. He was describing mutual love and sacrificial service within marriage, using the relationship between Christ and the church as the model. Paul meant that husbands should love sacrificially like Christ loved the church - giving up everything for her wellbeing. He meant wives should respond to genuine, Christ-like love with trust and partnership. He did NOT mean husbands have dictatorial authority, that wives are inferior, or that women should silently endure abuse. Understanding Paul's actual meaning transforms marriages from power struggles into partnerships of mutual honor and love.
The Full Picture
Paul's teachings on marriage have been weaponized, misquoted, and twisted to justify everything from spiritual abuse to outright domestic violence. That's not just tragic - it's the opposite of what Paul intended.
The Cultural Context Changes Everything
When Paul wrote Ephesians 5, women in Roman society were considered property. They had no legal rights, no voice, and no protection. In that context, Paul's words were actually *revolutionary*. He told husbands to love their wives "as Christ loved the church" - meaning sacrificially, protectively, and with complete devotion.
For a Roman man to hear "love your wife as your own body" was shocking. Most marriages were business arrangements. Paul was introducing the radical concept that marriage should be about mutual care, not ownership.
What Paul Actually Said
Before Paul ever mentioned wives submitting, he started with "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" (Ephesians 5:21). That's mutual submission - both spouses putting the other's needs first.
When Paul used the word "head" (kephale), he wasn't talking about authority or control. In Greek, kephale often meant "source" or "origin" - like the head of a river. Adam was the source from which Eve came, just as Christ is the source of the church's life.
The Real Message
Paul's message is simple: Marriage should mirror Christ's relationship with the church. Christ didn't dominate or control - He served, sacrificed, and loved unconditionally. That's what he's calling husbands to do. And wives are called to respond to genuine Christ-like love with partnership and trust.
This isn't about hierarchy - it's about harmony. It's not about power - it's about partnership.
What's Really Happening
From a therapeutic perspective, marriages thrive on mutual respect, emotional safety, and shared decision-making. When couples misapply Paul's teachings to create rigid hierarchies, they're actually damaging the very intimacy God designed marriage to foster.
I've counseled countless couples where misunderstood "biblical roles" became tools of manipulation and control. The husband demands submission while showing no Christ-like love. The wife feels trapped, resentful, and spiritually confused. This creates trauma, not transformation.
Healthy marriages - biblical marriages - operate as partnerships. Both spouses lead in their areas of strength, both submit to each other's needs, and both work together toward shared goals. This isn't feminism or secular psychology - it's what Paul actually described.
When we help couples understand Paul's true meaning, something beautiful happens. Husbands stop trying to control and start serving sacrificially. Wives stop walking on eggshells and start engaging as full partners. The marriage becomes a place of safety, growth, and mutual flourishing.
The psychological research is clear: marriages with egalitarian values and mutual respect have higher satisfaction, better communication, and stronger intimacy. This perfectly aligns with Paul's vision of mutual submission and sacrificial love. When we get Paul's meaning right, our marriages get healthier automatically.
What Scripture Says
Let's look at what Paul actually wrote, not what centuries of misinterpretation have claimed he meant.
The Foundation: Mutual Submission "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." - Ephesians 5:21
This verse comes BEFORE Paul talks about wives and husbands. It sets the tone for everything that follows. Marriage is about mutual submission, not one-sided control.
The Husband's Role: Sacrificial Love "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." - Ephesians 5:25
Christ didn't dominate the church - He died for it. Paul is calling husbands to sacrificial service, not authoritarian control.
The Wife's Response: Partnership, Not Subordination "Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord." - Ephesians 5:22
This isn't blind obedience. It's responding to genuine Christ-like love with trust and partnership. Notice Paul says "as you do to the Lord" - willingly, not under compulsion.
The True Picture of Headship "The husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior." - Ephesians 5:23
Christ's headship means He saves, protects, and nurtures the church. That's what Paul means by a husband being "head" - he's called to be a source of life, protection, and blessing.
The Ultimate Standard "However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." - Ephesians 5:33
Love and respect - that's the summary. Not domination and subordination, but mutual honor and care.
What To Do Right Now
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1
Read Ephesians 5:21-33 together and discuss what mutual submission looks like in your daily life
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2
Husbands: Ask your wife how you can love her more sacrificially and actually listen to her answers
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3
Wives: Express appreciation for ways your husband serves and sacrifices for your family
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Identify areas where you've used biblical roles to avoid healthy communication and partnership
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Create shared decision-making processes for major family decisions that honor both perspectives
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Pray together for wisdom to live out Paul's vision of mutual love and respect in practical ways
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