I just found out — what do I do in the next hour?
6 min read
Take three deep breaths. You've just experienced one of life's most devastating shocks, and your mind is likely racing. The next hour is critical - not for making permanent decisions, but for stabilizing yourself emotionally and physically. First, find a safe space where you won't be interrupted. Don't confront your spouse immediately while emotions are this raw. Instead, focus on grounding yourself: drink water, call a trusted friend or counselor, and remind yourself that while this feels like the end, it's actually the beginning of a new chapter - one where you have more control than you realize right now.
The Full Picture
Discovery is a moment that divides your life into 'before' and 'after.' Everything you thought you knew about your marriage, your spouse, and even yourself has just been called into question. The shock you're experiencing isn't just emotional - it's physical, mental, and spiritual.
Your body is in crisis mode right now. Your nervous system has been flooded with stress hormones. You might feel nauseous, shaky, or completely numb. Some people describe it as feeling like they're watching their life from outside their body. This is normal trauma response, not weakness.
Your mind is trying to make sense of the impossible. You're probably cycling through disbelief ('This can't be real'), bargaining ('Maybe it's not what I think'), anger ('How could they do this?'), and devastating sadness. These emotional waves will continue for a while, but they will become more manageable.
The temptation right now is to act immediately - to confront, to gather more evidence, to make ultimatums, or to tell everyone what happened. Resist these impulses for the next 24-48 hours. Decisions made in this state of shock rarely serve your long-term interests.
You're not alone in this experience. Millions of marriages survive infidelity, and many come out stronger. Yes, stronger. While that might seem impossible right now, I've watched couples rebuild trust and intimacy in ways that surpass what they had before. Your marriage isn't automatically over - but it will definitely be different.
What's Really Happening
From a clinical perspective, you're experiencing what we call 'betrayal trauma' - a specific type of PTSD that occurs when someone we depend on for safety and security violates that trust. Your //blog.bobgerace.com/nervous-system-regulation-christian-marriage-master-ttc/:nervous system has been hijacked, which is why you might feel simultaneously hyperalert and completely exhausted.
The shock phase typically lasts 24-72 hours. During this time, your prefrontal cortex - the part of your brain responsible for rational decision-making - is essentially offline. Your amygdala, the fear center, is running the show. This is why everything feels so intense and why you can't think clearly.
Physical symptoms are completely normal: insomnia, loss of appetite, nausea, heart palpitations, difficulty concentrating. Your body is responding as if you're in physical danger, even though the threat is emotional and relational.
Avoid major decisions for at least 48 hours. While the urge to 'do something' is overwhelming, research shows that decisions made during acute trauma often create additional problems. Your goal right now isn't to solve everything - it's to stabilize yourself so you can think clearly later.
This is survivable. While betrayal trauma is real and serious, the human capacity for resilience is remarkable. With proper support and time, most people not only recover but report post-traumatic growth - emerging stronger and more self-aware than before.
What Scripture Says
Even in this darkest moment, God hasn't abandoned you. His word speaks directly to the devastation you're feeling right now.
God sees your pain: *'You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?'* (Psalm 56:8). Every tear you're crying right now is precious to God. He's not distant or uncaring - He's intimately acquainted with your grief.
You don't have to carry this alone: *'Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you'* (1 Peter 5:7). The weight you're feeling right now wasn't meant to be carried solo. God is inviting you to transfer this burden to His capable hands.
There is hope beyond this moment: *'For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope'* (Jeremiah 29:11). While your plans have been shattered, God's plans for your life remain intact.
Wisdom will come, but not immediately: *'If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him'* (James 1:5). You don't need to have all the answers right now. God will provide clarity as you need it.
Justice and mercy can coexist: *'He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?'* (Micah 6:8). You can pursue truth and accountability while still leaving room for grace and redemption.
Your identity is secure: *'But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession'* (1 Peter 2:9). Your worth isn't determined by your spouse's choices. Your identity as God's beloved child remains unchanged.
What To Do Right Now
-
1
Breathe and ground yourself - Find a quiet space, take 10 deep breaths, drink water, and remind yourself you're physically safe
-
2
Call someone safe - Reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or counselor who can provide immediate emotional support
-
3
Secure important information - If you found evidence, take screenshots or photos, but don't obsess over gathering more right now
-
4
Avoid confrontation today - Don't confront your spouse while emotions are this raw; you need 24-48 hours to stabilize first
-
5
Take care of your body - Force yourself to eat something small, avoid alcohol, and try to rest even if you can't sleep
-
6
Schedule professional help - Book an appointment with a therapist or marriage coach within the next 48 hours while motivation is high
Related Questions
You Don't Have to Face This Alone
The first 48 hours after discovery are critical. Get immediate support from someone who understands exactly what you're going through.
Get Help Now →