They're planning a future together

When spouses begin actively planning a future with someone else, we've moved far beyond emotional affair territory into active preparation for abandoning the marriage. This planning might include discussing where they'll live together, making financial arrangements, talking about meeting each other's families, or setting timelines for when they'll "be together officially."

This represents the penultimate stage before complete marital abandonment. Your spouse has not only formed an emotional and likely physical bond with someone else, but they've now begun the practical work of making that relationship their primary reality. They're essentially treating your marriage as something they're planning to exit.

The psychological shift here is profound. They've moved from "I'm attracted to someone else" to "I'm going to build my life with someone else." This planning phase often includes elaborate fantasies about how wonderful their new life will be, how much better this person understands them, and how they'll finally be truly happy.

What makes this particularly devastating is that while they're planning their exit, they're often still expecting you to maintain normal marital functions—perhaps contributing to finances, handling household responsibilities, or providing emotional support. They want the security and benefits of marriage while actively planning to leave it.

The planning phase also tends to accelerate decision-making. Once couples begin making concrete plans, the fantasy becomes more real, and they often feel pressure to follow through. The other person may be pushing for commitments and timelines, creating additional pressure on your spouse to act.

You're now competing not just with a person, but with an entire fantasy future they've constructed together. This makes rational conversation extremely difficult because they're not just choosing between two people—they're choosing between their current reality and an idealized future they've imagined.

Scripture speaks clearly about the progression from temptation to sin to destruction. James 1:14-15 warns us: *"But each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death."* The planning phase represents sin that has become "full-grown"—moving from desire to concrete preparation for acting.

Proverbs 6:32-33 addresses the consequences of adultery directly: *"But a man who commits adultery has no sense; whoever does so destroys himself. Blows and disgrace are his lot, and his shame will never be wiped away."* Planning a future with someone else while married is the preparation for this destructive path.

Yet Scripture also calls us to strong action in the face of sin. Matthew 18:15-17 provides the escalating response to sin within relationships, ultimately leading to treating the unrepentant person "as you would a pagan or a tax collector"—meaning with love but without the privileges of relationship.

Ephesians 5:11 commands us: *"Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them."* When a spouse is actively planning betrayal, we cannot enable or ignore this behavior.

1 Corinthians 5:11-13 teaches about not associating with those who persist in destructive behavior: *"But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral... With such persons do not even eat."*

The goal remains restoration. Galatians 6:1 calls us to restore the wayward *"gently"* but this doesn't mean without consequences. Sometimes love requires allowing people to experience the full weight of their choices so they might come to repentance.