Did my avoidance push her toward someone else?

Avoidance doesn't cause affairs, but it creates conditions where affairs become more likely. When you consistently withdraw emotionally, physically, or relationally from your wife, you're essentially creating a deficit in the marriage that she has to manage.

Think of it this way: marriage is designed to be a place of connection, intimacy, and mutual support. When one person consistently avoids or withdraws, the other person is left carrying the emotional load alone. They're trying to connect with someone who keeps pulling away. Over time, this creates frustration, loneliness, and a sense of rejection.

Here's what typically happens in this cycle: You avoid because conflict, emotion, or intimacy feels overwhelming or uncomfortable. She pursues harder, trying to reconnect. You withdraw further because the pursuit feels like pressure. She eventually stops pursuing and starts feeling hopeless about the relationship. This emotional distance creates space for someone else to step in and offer what feels like connection and understanding.

But let's be crystal clear - this doesn't make the affair your fault. She had choices at every point in this cycle. She could have: - Insisted on counseling - Set clear boundaries about what she needed - Worked harder to understand your avoidance patterns - Refused to accept emotional distance as the new normal

The affair represents her choice to go outside the marriage rather than fight for what was inside it. That's on her, not you.

However, your avoidance patterns are something you need to own and address. Not because they caused her affair, but because they're preventing the kind of marriage God designed you to have. Avoidance robs both of you of the intimacy, connection, and partnership that marriage is supposed to provide.

Scripture gives us clear guidance on both avoidance and infidelity, helping us understand God's design for marriage and personal responsibility.

On avoiding your spouse, Paul is direct: *"Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control"* (1 Corinthians 7:5). While this verse specifically addresses physical intimacy, the principle applies to emotional connection - consistent withdrawal creates vulnerability.

God calls husbands to active engagement: *"Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her"* (Ephesians 5:25). Christ's love was sacrificial and engaged, not distant or avoidant. This means pushing through our discomfort to be present with our wives.

However, Scripture is equally clear about personal responsibility for sin: *"Each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin"* (James 1:14-15). Her affair was her choice, born from her own desires, not your actions.

Ezekiel 18:20 reinforces this: *"The one who sins is the one who will die. The child will not share the guilt of the parent, nor will the parent share the guilt of the child."* You are responsible for your avoidance; she is responsible for her affair.

Moving forward requires both confession and forgiveness: *"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed"* (James 5:16). You need to own your patterns of withdrawal and avoidance. She needs to own her betrayal and unfaithfulness.

God's desire is restoration: *"All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation"* (2 Corinthians 5:18). Both your avoidance and her affair can be redeemed if you're both willing to do the hard work of change and healing.