She won't choose — she wants both
5 min read
When your wife refuses to choose between you and another man, you're facing one of the most painful situations in marriage. This indecision isn't neutral—it's actually a choice to continue betraying your marriage while keeping you as backup security. The harsh truth is that someone who truly wants to save their marriage doesn't need time to decide between their spouse and someone else. You cannot force her to choose, but you absolutely can and must choose for yourself. This means establishing clear, non-negotiable boundaries about what you will and won't accept in your marriage. Your role isn't to wait indefinitely while she enjoys the benefits of both relationships—it's to protect your dignity, your heart, and the sanctity of marriage itself.
The Full Picture
Let me be crystal clear about what's really happening here. When your wife says she "can't choose" or "needs more time," she's not being honest—with you or herself. What she's really saying is that she wants to continue having her cake and eating it too. She wants the security, stability, and familiarity you provide while also enjoying the excitement and novelty of her relationship with him.
This isn't about love being complicated or her heart being torn. This is about selfishness and a refusal to take responsibility for her choices. Every day she delays choosing is another day she chooses both, which means she's choosing to continue betraying you.
I've seen this pattern countless times. The unfaithful spouse will often say things like: - "I need time to figure out my feelings" - "I don't want to hurt anyone" - "It's not that simple" - "You don't understand how complicated this is"
Here's what these statements really mean: "I want to keep my options open while I see how both relationships develop." She's treating you like a contestant in some twisted reality show where she gets to be the star making the final decision.
But here's what she doesn't understand: Marriage isn't a competition. It's a covenant. And covenants don't have backup plans.
The longer you allow this situation to continue, the more you're actually enabling her betrayal. You're sending the message that your marriage, your heart, and your dignity are negotiable. You're teaching her that there are no real consequences for destroying your family.
Meanwhile, you're living in emotional torture, analyzing every word, every gesture, every moment of hope or despair. You're not living—you're surviving. And that's not what God intended for your life or your marriage.
What's Really Happening
From a psychological perspective, what you're witnessing is called "triangulation"—a dysfunctional pattern where your wife maintains emotional connections with two people to avoid making difficult decisions. This behavior often stems from several psychological factors.
First, there's the avoidance of loss aversion. She's terrified of making the "wrong" choice and losing something valuable from either relationship. By refusing to choose, she believes she's avoiding loss, but she's actually creating a situation where everyone loses.
Second, she may be experiencing what we call cognitive dissonance—the psychological discomfort of holding contradictory beliefs. She likely sees herself as a good person who wouldn't normally hurt others, yet her actions are causing tremendous pain. Rather than resolving this by changing her behavior, she's choosing to remain in limbo.
There's also often an element of narcissistic supply at work. Having two people competing for her attention provides an intoxicating sense of power and desirability. This feeling can become addictive, making the choice to give up one relationship feel like a devastating loss of identity.
The trauma you're experiencing is real and profound. Living in this uncertainty creates a state of chronic stress that affects your physical health, emotional stability, and decision-making capacity. Your nervous system is in constant fight-or-flight mode, which is unsustainable.
It's crucial to understand that you cannot love someone out of this pattern. No amount of patience, understanding, or proving your worth will make her choose differently. The only thing that creates change is consequences—clear boundaries that force her to experience the reality of her choices rather than the fantasy of having everything she wants.
What Scripture Says
Scripture is abundantly clear about the nature of marriage and the importance of decisive commitment. When Jesus spoke about marriage, He didn't present it as one option among many:
Matthew 19:5-6: *"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate."*
Marriage is an exclusive covenant, not a trial period. There's no biblical precedent for a spouse "trying to decide" between their husband and another man.
God also calls us to make clear, decisive choices:
1 Kings 18:21: *"Elijah went before the people and said, 'How long will you waver between two opinions? If the Lord is God, follow him; but if Baal is God, follow him.'"*
Your wife is wavering between two opinions—honoring her marriage covenant or pursuing her own desires. This wavering is not neutral; it's rebellion against God's design.
James 1:8 tells us: *"Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do."* A double-minded person cannot be trusted to make godly decisions because they're trying to serve two masters.
Matthew 6:24 makes this impossibility clear: *"No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other."*
As for your response, you're called to love wisely, not enableingly:
Ephesians 5:11: *"Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them."*
Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is refuse to participate in sin—even when that sin is being committed against you. Setting boundaries isn't unloving; it's biblical wisdom in action.
What To Do Right Now
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Set a clear deadline: Tell her she has 48-72 hours to make her choice and communicate it clearly—no more "thinking about it" or "needing time."
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Prepare your boundaries: Decide in advance what you will do if she continues to refuse to choose or chooses him. Have your plan ready and be prepared to implement it immediately.
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Stop competing: End all attempts to win her back, prove your worth, or convince her why she should choose you. Your marriage should not be a contest.
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Remove yourself as an option: If she won't choose, you choose. Remove yourself from the triangle by making it clear that you will not remain married to someone who won't commit to the marriage.
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Document everything: Keep records of all conversations, decisions, and her responses. This protects you legally and helps you stay clear about reality when emotions run high.
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Get immediate support: Contact a marriage coach, counselor, or trusted mentor today. You need professional guidance and emotional support to navigate this crisis with wisdom and strength.
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