Why do my bids for sex feel like demands to her?

Here's what's really happening: your wife doesn't feel emotionally safe with you anymore. When a woman checks out sexually, it's rarely about sex itself - it's about the relational context surrounding it.

Think about it from her perspective. If she's been feeling disconnected, unheard, or taken for granted, then your sexual advances feel like just another way you're taking from her without giving back. Even if your intentions are loving, she experiences them as pressure because the emotional account between you is overdrawn.

The demand dynamic develops gradually. Maybe you started pursuing sex more frequently as she became less responsive. Maybe you began showing affection primarily when you wanted intimacy. Or perhaps you stopped doing the daily investments in connection that used to make her feel cherished. Over time, she learned to associate your romantic gestures with an expectation for sex, making every touch feel loaded with agenda.

This creates a vicious cycle. The more she pulls away, the more desperate and demanding your approaches become. The more demanding you become, the more she withdraws. You're both stuck in a pattern where you're speaking different emotional languages.

She needs to feel wanted for who she is, not just for what she can provide. When your bids for intimacy come without context of daily emotional investment, they feel selfish rather than loving. She's longing for you to pursue her heart first, then her body will follow. But when physical pursuit comes without emotional pursuit, it feels like you're more interested in her body than her soul - and that's not intimacy, it's utility.

Scripture gives us a clear blueprint for how husbands should approach their wives, and it's never demanding or self-focused. Ephesians 5:25 commands us to "love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." Notice the sacrificial, giving nature of this love - it's about what you offer, not what you take.

1 Peter 3:7 tells us to "live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life." The word 'understanding' here means intimate knowledge - you should know her heart, her needs, her fears. Honor means treating her as precious, not pressuring her.

When it comes to sexual intimacy specifically, 1 Corinthians 7:3-4 teaches mutual submission: "The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband." But notice it says 'give' - this is about generous offering, not demanding taking. It's about creating an atmosphere where both spouses want to bless each other.

Colossians 3:19 warns directly against this issue: "Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them." Sexual pressure, even unintentional, can feel harsh to a woman who's already emotionally withdrawn. Christ pursues us with patient love, not demanding pressure.

The biblical model is clear: pursue her heart first, serve her needs consistently, honor her as a precious gift from God, and create the emotional safety where physical intimacy can flourish naturally. God designed marriage as a place of mutual blessing, not one-sided taking.