How do I hold both my responsibility and her agency?

When your wife has had an affair, you're caught in what feels like an impossible position. Take too much responsibility, and you're essentially excusing her betrayal. Take too little, and you miss the opportunity for real growth and change that could save your marriage.

Here's what I've learned after years of working with couples in crisis: both things can be true at the same time. You can have contributed to problems in your marriage AND she still chose to handle those problems in the worst possible way. These aren't mutually exclusive realities.

Most men I work with swing to one extreme or the other. Either they beat themselves up mercilessly, thinking "If only I had been a better husband, this never would have happened," or they go completely the other direction: "I wasn't perfect, but that doesn't justify what she did."

Both responses miss the mark. The first makes you a doormat who enables bad behavior. the second keeps you from the self-examination that could actually heal your marriage.

The mature response? Own your part completely while refusing to own hers. This means getting brutally honest about where you fell short as a husband - maybe you were emotionally distant, maybe you prioritized work over family, maybe you stopped pursuing her romantically. These things matter. They create vulnerabilities in a marriage.

But here's the crucial distinction: creating vulnerability isn't the same as forcing a choice. She had other options. She could have talked to you directly. She could have insisted on counseling. She could have even separated if things were that bad. Instead, she chose deception and betrayal.

Holding both realities requires emotional maturity most men haven't developed yet. But it's essential for real healing.

Scripture gives us a clear framework for holding both responsibility and agency. The principle is simple: we're accountable for our own actions, not others' responses to our actions.

"Each person must give an account of himself to God" (Romans 14:12). This verse cuts both ways - you'll answer for your failures as a husband, and she'll answer for her choices in response to those failures.

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" (Matthew 7:3). Jesus calls us to ruthless self-examination first. Before you focus on her betrayal, deal with your own contributions to the marriage problems.

But Scripture also upholds personal responsibility for our choices: "The soul who sins is the one who will die" (Ezekiel 18:20). Each person bears the weight of their own moral decisions.

"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it" (Proverbs 4:23). This applies to both of you. You're responsible for guarding your heart and being the husband God calls you to be. She's responsible for guarding hers and choosing fidelity despite whatever problems existed.

The biblical pattern is clear: examine yourself thoroughly ("Search me, God, and know my heart" - Psalm 139:23), confess and change what needs changing, but don't take responsibility for someone else's sin. "Each one should carry their own load" (Galatians 6:5).

This biblical balance creates the foundation for both justice and mercy, accountability and forgiveness.