What does finding myself look like?
6 min read
Finding yourself isn't about becoming someone new - it's about rediscovering who God created you to be, often parts of yourself that got buried under responsibilities, expectations, or trying to please others. It looks like reconnecting with your values, dreams, and gifts while learning to honor your voice and boundaries. This journey involves understanding your unique personality, recognizing your strengths and passions, and aligning your life with your authentic self rather than who you think others want you to be. It's not selfish - it's stewarding the woman God made you to be, which actually strengthens your marriage when done with wisdom and love.
The Full Picture
Finding yourself is a journey of rediscovery, not reinvention. Many wives feel lost because they've spent years adapting, accommodating, and putting everyone else's needs first. You might have developed patterns of saying yes when you mean no, or lost touch with activities and dreams that once energized you.
The process looks different for everyone, but common elements include:
- Reconnecting with your core values - What truly matters to you? What principles guide your decisions when you're being authentic? - Rediscovering suppressed interests - What activities, subjects, or creative outlets did you love before life got complicated? - Understanding your personality and wiring - How do you naturally process information, recharge, and connect with others? - Recognizing your unique gifts and strengths - What comes naturally to you that others find challenging? - Learning to trust your instincts - Rebuilding confidence in your own judgment and inner wisdom - Setting healthy boundaries - Saying no to what drains you so you can say yes to what matters
This isn't about becoming selfish or abandoning your commitments. It's about showing up as your authentic self in all your roles - wife, mother, friend, daughter of God. When you know who you are, you can love others from a place of fullness rather than emptiness.
The goal isn't independence from your marriage, but interdependence within it. A strong sense of self actually enhances intimacy because you're bringing your whole, authentic self to the relationship rather than a diminished version shaped by fear or people-pleasing.
What's Really Happening
From a psychological perspective, "finding yourself" is really about individuation - the healthy development of your distinct identity while maintaining connection to important relationships. Many women experience identity diffusion in marriage, where boundaries between self and others become blurred.
This often happens gradually. You might start by making small compromises - choosing his restaurant preference, adopting his friend group, or putting your career goals on hold. Over time, these seemingly minor adaptations can lead to a profound sense of losing yourself.
The neuroscience shows us that our brains are constantly adapting to our environment. When we consistently suppress our authentic responses and preferences, those neural pathways literally weaken. The good news? Neuroplasticity means we can rebuild them.
Healthy self-discovery involves developing what psychologists call "differentiation" - the ability to maintain your sense of self while staying emotionally connected to your spouse. This isn't about creating distance, but about bringing your authentic self into the relationship.
Research consistently shows that individuals with a strong sense of identity report higher relationship satisfaction. When both partners know who they are, they can choose to love each other from a place of strength rather than neediness. The key is approaching this growth as an enhancement to your marriage, not an escape from it.
What Scripture Says
God created you as a unique individual with specific purposes and gifts. Psalm 139:14 reminds us, "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Finding yourself is actually about discovering and stewarding what God has already placed within you.
Ephesians 2:10 tells us, "For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." You have unique good works prepared specifically for you - not generic good works, but ones that align with how He made you.
The parable of the talents in Matthew 25:14-30 shows us that God expects us to develop and use what He's given us, not bury it. When you suppress your authentic self, you're potentially burying talents and gifts that were meant to be invested and grown.
1 Corinthians 12:4-7 explains, "There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit distributes them... Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good." Your unique personality and gifts aren't accidents - they're intentional design for serving others.
In marriage, Genesis 2:24 speaks of becoming "one flesh," but this doesn't mean losing individual identity. The strongest unity comes when two whole, authentic people choose to join their lives together.
Proverbs 27:19 says, "As water reflects the face, so one's life reflects the heart." Finding yourself is about aligning your life with the heart God gave you, living authentically according to His design for you specifically.
What To Do Right Now
-
1
Take a values assessment or personality test to rediscover your core traits and preferences
-
2
Schedule weekly 'rediscovery time' to explore old interests or try new activities that intrigue you
-
3
Practice saying 'I need to think about that' instead of automatically saying yes to requests
-
4
Journal about who you were before major life transitions and what aspects you want to reclaim
-
5
Have an honest conversation with your husband about your desire to rediscover yourself and how he can support this journey
-
6
Identify one boundary you need to set and practice implementing it with kindness but firmness
Related Questions
Ready to Rediscover Yourself?
Let's work together to help you find your authentic self while strengthening your marriage. This journey is possible, and you don't have to do it alone.
Start Your Journey →