What do I want regardless of what he does?
6 min read
This question cuts to the heart of your individual identity within marriage. You need to separate your personal desires, dreams, and goals from your husband's choices and behaviors. This isn't about being selfish or disconnected from your marriage—it's about maintaining a healthy sense of self that actually strengthens your relationship. When you can clearly identify what you want regardless of his actions, you stop living in reactive mode and start living with intention. You begin making decisions based on your values, not his moods. You pursue growth, interests, and relationships that fulfill you as an individual, which paradoxically makes you a better wife and partner.
The Full Picture
Many wives lose themselves in the cycle of reacting to their husband's behavior. When he's kind, you're happy. When he's distant, you're anxious. When he's engaged, you feel valuable. When he's critical, you feel worthless. This emotional dependency creates an exhausting rollercoaster that leaves you feeling powerless and resentful.
The truth is, you are not responsible for his choices, and he is not responsible for your happiness.
Discovering what you want regardless of his actions requires honest self-reflection. What brings you joy? What are your personal goals? What kind of woman do you want to become? What relationships do you want to nurture? What skills do you want to develop? These questions have nothing to do with whether your husband is having a good day or a bad day.
This doesn't mean you become indifferent to your marriage or stop caring about your husband's wellbeing. It means you develop a secure sense of self that remains stable regardless of external circumstances. When you know who you are and what you want, you can engage in your marriage from a place of strength rather than neediness.
Some women fear that focusing on their individual desires will make them selfish or damage their marriage. The opposite is true. When you're emotionally healthy and personally fulfilled, you have more to give your relationship. You stop expecting your husband to fill every emotional need, which actually takes pressure off him and allows both of you to breathe.
What's Really Happening
From a psychological perspective, this question addresses the crucial concept of differentiation—the ability to maintain your individual identity while remaining emotionally connected to your spouse. Many women struggle with what we call 'emotional fusion,' where their sense of self becomes entirely dependent on their partner's emotional state and behavior.
This fusion often stems from early attachment patterns or cultural messages that teach women to derive their worth primarily through relationships. When your identity becomes enmeshed with your husband's actions, you lose what psychologists call 'agency'—the ability to act independently according to your own values and desires.
The process of identifying what you want regardless of his behavior is essentially reclaiming your personal agency. It involves developing what we call 'internal locus of control'—the understanding that while you cannot control external circumstances or other people's choices, you can control your responses, decisions, and personal growth.
This isn't about becoming emotionally disconnected or self-centered. Healthy differentiation actually improves relationship satisfaction because it reduces anxiety, codependency, and the pressure on your spouse to be responsible for your emotional wellbeing. When both partners maintain their individual identities while choosing to love and commit to each other, the relationship becomes more resilient and fulfilling for both people.
What Scripture Says
Scripture beautifully balances individual identity with marital unity. While God calls husbands and wives to become 'one flesh,' He also created you as a unique individual with specific gifts, purposes, and callings that extend beyond your marriage.
Psalm 139:14 reminds us, *'I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.'* God created you with specific gifts, interests, and purposes that are worth pursuing regardless of your circumstances.
Ephesians 2:10 declares, *'For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.'* You have a calling and purpose that exists independent of your husband's behavior or choices.
Proverbs 31 describes a woman of noble character who has her own interests, business ventures, and activities. She *'considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard'* (verse 16). This woman maintains her individual identity and pursuits while being a devoted wife.
Galatians 6:4-5 instructs, *'Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load.'* You are responsible for your own spiritual growth, emotional health, and personal development.
God desires for you to flourish as the unique woman He created you to be. This flourishing strengthens rather than threatens your marriage when approached with wisdom and love.
What To Do Right Now
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1
Journal Your Personal Desires: Spend 20 minutes writing about what you genuinely want in life—career goals, personal growth, hobbies, relationships—without considering his opinions or reactions.
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2
Identify Your Core Values: List 5-7 values that define who you want to be (kindness, integrity, creativity, etc.) and commit to living by them regardless of external circumstances.
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3
Set One Personal Goal: Choose one thing you want to pursue or develop that has nothing to do with your marriage—a skill, hobby, relationship, or personal project.
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4
Establish Emotional Boundaries: Practice responding to his moods with empathy but not absorption. His bad day doesn't have to become your bad day.
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5
Reconnect with Friends: Nurture relationships outside your marriage that bring you joy and support your individual growth and interests.
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Create Regular Self-Care: Schedule consistent time for activities that refuel you personally—reading, exercise, prayer, creative pursuits, or learning something new.
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