What is sanctification and how does it work in crisis?
6 min read
Sanctification is God's process of making you more like Christ - and crisis is often His preferred classroom. When your marriage is falling apart, it strips away everything you thought you could control and forces you to face who you really are versus who God is calling you to become. This isn't about becoming perfect; it's about becoming authentic, humble, and dependent on God rather than your own strength. The brutal truth? Crisis reveals character flaws you've been ignoring for years. But here's the hope: God doesn't waste pain. He uses every argument, every sleepless night, every moment of desperation to chisel away the pride, selfishness, and fear that have been destroying your marriage. Sanctification through crisis isn't comfortable, but it's the fastest path to becoming the man your wife needs and God designed you to be.
The Full Picture
Sanctification literally means "to be set apart" - it's the lifelong process of God transforming you from the inside out. Think of it as spiritual renovation where God tears down the walls of pride, selfishness, and control that have been blocking intimacy in your marriage.
Crisis accelerates this process because comfortable men rarely change. When everything is going well, you can coast on autopilot, avoiding the deep heart work that real transformation requires. But when your wife says she's done, when she's considering divorce, when the kids are watching your marriage crumble - that's when God has your full attention.
Here's what many men miss: sanctification isn't about behavior modification. It's not about becoming a better husband through willpower and good intentions. It's about allowing God to change your heart so that loving, serving, and sacrificing become natural expressions of who you are, not forced performances to save your marriage.
• The refining process: Crisis burns away false securities like career success, financial stability, or social status • Character development: You discover what you're really made of when stripped of control • Dependency shift: You learn to rely on God's strength instead of your own abilities • Authentic humility: Pride gets crushed, making room for genuine repentance and change
Common mistake: Trying to rush the process or use spiritual growth as a manipulation tactic. Your wife can smell inauthentic change from a mile away. Sanctification requires surrendering the outcome to God while focusing on becoming the man He's calling you to be, regardless of whether your marriage survives.
What's Really Happening
From a psychological perspective, what we call sanctification aligns closely with post-traumatic growth theory - the phenomenon where individuals emerge from crisis with enhanced psychological functioning. Research shows that approximately 70% of trauma survivors report positive psychological changes, including deeper relationships, increased personal strength, and greater life appreciation.
Crisis disrupts psychological homeostasis, forcing the brain to reorganize existing neural pathways. This neuroplasticity creates opportunities for profound behavioral and emotional changes that wouldn't occur during stable periods. The prefrontal cortex, responsible for self-regulation and decision-making, becomes more active as individuals navigate complex emotional landscapes.
Attachment theory provides additional insight: Many men in marital crisis discover they have insecure attachment styles rooted in childhood experiences. The threat of losing their primary attachment figure (their spouse) activates deep-seated fears and defensive mechanisms. This crisis state, while painful, creates optimal conditions for developing earned secure attachment through intentional healing work.
The therapeutic concept of 'psychological flexibility' - the ability to adapt behavior to match current circumstances and personal values - dramatically improves during crisis periods. Men who embrace this flexibility, rather than rigidly clinging to old patterns, show significantly better outcomes both individually and relationally.
Neurobiological research reveals that chronic stress, while harmful long-term, can enhance cognitive flexibility and emotional regulation when combined with meaning-making activities like prayer, reflection, and community support. This explains why spiritual practices become particularly powerful during crisis periods - they provide both neurological benefits and psychological framework for processing difficult experiences.
What Scripture Says
Scripture presents sanctification as both God's work in us and our active participation with Him. Romans 8:28-29 reminds us that "God works all things together for good for those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose. For those He foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son." Your marriage crisis isn't outside God's sovereign plan - it's part of His process to make you more like Christ.
James 1:2-4 directly addresses this: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." The word "testing" here refers to the process of refining precious metals - crisis burns away the dross to reveal pure gold.
1 Peter 1:6-7 echoes this theme: "In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith...may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." God uses your marriage struggles to prove and purify your faith.
Philippians 1:6 provides hope for the process: "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." God isn't finished with you - this crisis is part of His ongoing work, not evidence of His abandonment.
2 Corinthians 3:18 shows the ultimate goal: "We all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory." Sanctification isn't about becoming a perfect husband - it's about becoming more like Jesus, which naturally transforms how you love your wife.
What To Do Right Now
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Embrace the process instead of fighting it - stop asking 'Why me?' and start asking 'What are You teaching me, God?'
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Create daily space for honest self-examination through prayer and journaling about character flaws being exposed
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Identify specific areas where pride, control, or selfishness have damaged your marriage and confess them to God
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Find an accountability partner or mentor who will speak truth into your life during this transformation
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Study Scripture specifically about character development, focusing on passages about humility, love, and sacrifice
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Practice spiritual disciplines like fasting, extended prayer, or service to others to break patterns of self-centeredness
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