Can I talk to you directly about concerns?

The instinct to reach out directly to your husband's coach makes complete sense. You've been living with the reality of your marriage while he's been describing it to someone else. You might worry that important context is missing, that he's presenting a selective version of events, or that his coach doesn't understand what you've actually been through. Those concerns are legitimate.

Here's why we navigate direct communication carefully: your husband is learning to take full ownership of his marriage, his behavior, and his transformation. When his coach becomes a conduit for messages between you, it can inadvertently create dependency rather than developing his ability to hear and respond to you directly. Part of his growth involves learning to receive your perspective himself—not filtered through a third party.

There's also a dynamic we actively avoid: triangulation. This happens when communication flows through a third person rather than directly between the two people who need to resolve something. While triangulation feels safer in the moment, it ultimately prevents the direct communication your marriage needs to heal.

That said, there are situations where direct contact is appropriate and helpful. If there are safety concerns that his coach needs to know about, that information should absolutely be shared. If there's critical context about the marriage history that would help his coach support him better, that can be communicated. If you have questions about the coaching process itself—what to expect, how long things take, what you might see—those questions deserve answers.

Many coaching programs offer structured ways for wives to provide input. This might include periodic check-ins, written correspondence that becomes part of his coaching context, or specific sessions designed for spousal perspective. These structured channels provide your voice a place while maintaining the boundaries that make coaching effective.

The goal isn't to exclude you—it's to ensure that communication supports transformation rather than substituting for it. Your husband needs to develop the capacity to hear hard truths directly from you. Building that muscle is part of what coaching accomplishes. When that capacity develops, you won't need to go through his coach anymore. You'll be able to go directly to him.

Scripture consistently emphasizes direct communication between spouses. When God addressed the first marriage conflict, He spoke to Adam and Eve individually and directly (Genesis 3). He didn't send messages through intermediaries or allow them to speak about each other rather than to each other.

Matthew 18:15 establishes the principle of direct address: "If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone." While this verse addresses church conflict specifically, the principle applies to marriage: direct communication is the primary path to reconciliation. Third parties have roles, but they don't replace direct engagement.

The Song of Solomon models intimate communication between husband and wife—direct, vulnerable, honest. "My beloved speaks and says to me" (Song of Solomon 2:10). The language is first person, face to face. This is the communication pattern your marriage is being rebuilt toward.

We see your husband's coach as serving the role described in Proverbs 27:17: "Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another." The coach sharpens your husband so that he can engage you directly with wisdom, humility, and strength. The goal is never permanent mediation but temporary equipping for direct relationship.