What if he's only doing this to keep me from leaving?

Your concern makes complete sense. You've probably seen this before—a crisis hits, he suddenly becomes attentive and motivated, then once the immediate threat passes, everything slides back. It's natural to wonder if this is just another performance until you stop threatening to leave.

The truth is more nuanced than 'fear-based change is fake' or 'fear-based change is real.' Fear can be the catalyst for genuine transformation, or it can be the fuel for temporary performance. The difference lies in what happens after the initial crisis response.

In the first few weeks of crisis, almost everyone is motivated by fear. That's normal and even necessary—sometimes fear is the only thing powerful enough to break through walls of denial. The man who isn't afraid of losing you when facing divorce might have a different problem entirely.

But fear is an exhausting motivator. It can't sustain long-term change because the nervous system can't maintain crisis-level alertness indefinitely. Eventually, the acute fear subsides—either because things seem safer or because he simply can't maintain the intensity.

This is the critical transition point. If his motivation remains external—keeping you, avoiding divorce, managing your emotions—the change will fade when the fear fades. But if something shifts inside him, if he begins doing the work because of who he's becoming rather than what he's avoiding, that's the foundation for lasting change.

The program is designed to facilitate exactly this shift. Within the first weeks, the focus moves from 'saving your marriage' to 'becoming who you were meant to be.' The daily work isn't framed as 'do this or she'll leave'—it's framed as 'this is who you're becoming.' The brotherhood doesn't ask 'is your wife happy yet?' but 'are you becoming a man of integrity?'

You can observe this shift by watching what motivates his consistency. Is he checking in with other men because you might find out if he doesn't? Or because he's genuinely invested in his own growth? Does he talk about the program in terms of keeping you, or in terms of who he's becoming?

The fear of losing you may have opened the door. What matters now is what he's finding on the other side.

Scripture recognizes that transformation often begins with crisis and fear, but must mature into something deeper.

"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom" (Proverbs 9:10). Notice: it's the *beginning*, not the destination. Fear opens the door to wisdom, but the relationship must deepen beyond fear to reach maturity. The same principle applies to human transformation—fear can start it, but something more substantial must sustain it.

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear" (1 John 4:18). This verse describes the trajectory of growth. Beginning with fear and growing into love isn't failure—it's the normal path of development. The question is whether growth along that path is actually occurring.

"Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death" (2 Corinthians 7:10). Worldly sorrow is sorry about consequences—it fears the loss. Godly sorrow grieves the offense itself. You can observe which type is operating by watching what he's actually grieved about—the impact on you, or the impact on himself if you leave.

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me" (Psalm 51:10). David's prayer after his greatest failure wasn't 'help me avoid consequences' but 'transform me from the inside.' This is the shift from external to internal motivation that marks genuine transformation.

Fear of losing you may have brought him to his knees. What he's praying for now reveals whether something deeper is emerging.