Polyvagal Frame

What is 'dorsal vagal' state?

Dorsal vagal state is your nervous system's most primitive survival response - complete shutdown and withdrawal. When your wife is in this state, she'...

Is she in shutdown, not choosing coldness?

Yes, what looks like deliberate coldness is often involuntary shutdown. When your wife's nervous system becomes overwhelmed, it can trigger a dorsal v...

What signals threat to her nervous system?

Her nervous system interprets threat through both obvious and subtle signals. Raised voices, aggressive body language, and criticism activate her [fig...

What do I do that activates her defense?

Your wife's defenses activate when she perceives threat, even if you don't intend any harm. Common triggers include: raising your voice, interrupting ...

What would help her ventral vagal (social engagement)?

To help her ventral vagal system (social engagement) come online, you need to create consistent safety and co-regulation. This means slowing down your...

How do I co-regulate with someone who won't engage?

Co-regulating with someone who won't engage requires you to focus entirely on your own [nervous system regulation](/answers/after-the-affair/how-do-i-...

What does safety look like to her nervous system?

When your wife's nervous system feels safe, she exists in what polyvagal theory calls the 'ventral vagal state' - her social engagement system is onli...

What micro-moments might begin to shift this?

When your wife has checked out, her [nervous system](/answers/she-wants-out/how-do-i-co-regulate-when-shes-dysregulated-too) is in protective mode. Th...