How do I function at work after hearing this?
5 min read
The short answer is: you don't function normally, and that's okay for now. Your world just got turned upside down, and expecting yourself to perform at peak capacity is unrealistic and unfair to yourself. Here's what you need to understand: your brain is in survival mode. When we receive devastating news about our marriage, our nervous system activates the same response it would to a physical threat. Concentration becomes nearly impossible, decision-making feels overwhelming, and even simple tasks require enormous effort. This isn't weakness—it's biology. You have two immediate priorities: protect your job and process your emotions safely. This means setting minimum performance standards for yourself while creating space to deal with what you're going through. Some men try to bury themselves in work as an escape, others can barely function. Both responses are normal, but neither is sustainable long-term.
The Full Picture
When your marriage implodes, your professional life doesn't pause. Bills still need to be paid, deadlines still exist, and your colleagues have no idea you're drowning inside. This creates a brutal double burden: managing your emotional crisis while maintaining professional competence.
The immediate challenge is compartmentalization. You need to create mental boundaries between your personal devastation and professional responsibilities. This isn't about denial—it's about survival. Think of it like a first aid tourniquet: you're temporarily stopping the bleeding so you can function until you get proper help.
Common mistakes men make: • Trying to perform at normal levels and then feeling like a failure • Making major work decisions while emotionally compromised • Isolating completely from supportive colleagues • Using work as complete avoidance of the marriage issues • Sharing too much personal information inappropriately
What actually works is strategic functioning. Set your performance bar at 70% of normal for the next few weeks. Communicate selectively with your supervisor about having "personal challenges" if needed. Delegate what you can. Postpone non-essential decisions.
Your brain needs time to process trauma. Research shows that emotional shock literally impairs cognitive function. Memory, concentration, and decision-making all suffer. This isn't permanent, but fighting it will only make it worse. Accept reduced capacity as temporary while you navigate the crisis.
Create micro-recovery moments throughout your day. Step outside for five minutes. Do breathing exercises in your car. These aren't luxuries—they're necessary maintenance to keep you functional.
What's Really Happening
From a neurological perspective, discovering marital betrayal or facing divorce triggers what we call acute stress response. Your amygdala—the brain's alarm system—floods your body with cortisol and adrenaline, the same chemicals released during life-threatening situations.
This biochemical response directly impacts executive function. The prefrontal cortex, responsible for planning, decision-making, and concentration, becomes compromised when stress hormones are elevated. Studies show that acute emotional trauma can reduce cognitive performance by 20-40% in the immediate aftermath.
You're also experiencing what psychologists call 'cognitive load.' Your brain is using enormous energy processing the emotional crisis, leaving fewer resources for work tasks. It's like running multiple intensive programs on a computer—everything else slows down.
Dissociation is common and protective. Many men report feeling 'detached' or 'going through the motions' at work. This isn't pathological—it's your psyche's way of preventing complete emotional overwhelm. However, this state isn't sustainable long-term.
The key is graduated re-engagement. Rather than expecting immediate return to full capacity, we recommend a phased approach: survival mode for the first week, basic functioning for weeks 2-4, and gradual return to normal performance as emotional stability improves.
Sleep disruption compounds these issues. Marital crisis typically destroys sleep quality, which further impairs cognitive function. Prioritizing sleep hygiene—even if sleep feels impossible—becomes crucial for maintaining any level of work performance.
What Scripture Says
Scripture acknowledges that overwhelming circumstances can leave us struggling to function normally. Psalm 55:4-5 captures this perfectly: "My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death have fallen on me. Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me."
David, a king with enormous responsibilities, experienced times when emotional trauma made normal functioning nearly impossible. This gives us permission to acknowledge our human limitations without shame.
Ecclesiastes 3:1 reminds us "To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven." This is a season of crisis and healing, not peak performance. God doesn't expect you to maintain normal productivity while processing devastating circumstances.
Matthew 6:26 offers perspective on work anxiety: "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?" Your worth isn't determined by your work performance during this crisis.
Philippians 4:19 provides security: "And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus." This includes provision during seasons when you can't perform at full capacity.
1 Peter 5:7 instructs us to cast our anxieties on God because He cares for us. This includes work-related fears during personal crisis. The practical application is bringing your work concerns to God in prayer, asking for wisdom in managing both responsibilities and emotional healing.
God designed us as integrated beings—emotional trauma affects every area of life, including work capacity. Acknowledging this isn't faithlessness; it's honest stewardship of how He made us.
What To Do Right Now
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Inform your direct supervisor about having 'significant personal challenges' requiring some flexibility over the next few weeks
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Identify your 3 most critical work responsibilities and focus only on those for now
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Delegate or postpone non-essential tasks and decisions wherever possible
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Set up 5-minute breathing breaks every 2 hours to reset your nervous system
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Create a simple end-of-workday ritual to transition between work and processing your emotions
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Schedule a conversation with HR about available employee assistance programs or leave options
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