Should I stay together for the kids?
6 min read
It depends on what 'staying together' looks like. Children in high-conflict homes often do better after divorce. But children in low-conflict homes where parents divorce 'out of the blue' often do worse. The question isn't 'stay or go' — it's 'what kind of home am I creating?' A transformed marriage is best. A peaceful divorce is second best. An ongoing war zone — whether married or divorced — is worst for everyone.
The Full Picture
This question assumes a binary: stay in misery or leave for everyone's sake. Reality is more complex.
What research actually shows:
Children don't benefit from 'intact' families. They benefit from stable, low-conflict homes with engaged parents. This can happen in marriage or after divorce. It cannot happen in a war zone.
Three scenarios:
1. High-conflict marriage → Divorce Research shows children in high-conflict homes (frequent fighting, contempt, hostility, violence) often improve after divorce. The conflict was the problem. Divorce ended the conflict.
2. Low-conflict marriage → Divorce This is where divorce often harms kids most. When parents divorce a 'good enough' marriage — unhappy but stable — children often feel blindsided and insecure. They didn't see problems, so they can't make sense of the solution.
3. Transformed marriage The best outcome isn't 'staying for the kids' in misery. It's genuine transformation that creates a thriving home. This is what you should fight for.
The wrong question:
'Should I stay for the kids?' assumes staying means maintaining the status quo. But the status quo is what's killing the marriage. The real question: Can I transform this marriage into something worth staying for — for all of us?
If the answer is yes — fight for that.
If she's determined to leave despite your transformation — the question becomes how to divorce well, not whether to divorce.
The bottom line:
Don't stay in a toxic marriage for the kids. They absorb the toxicity. Don't give up on a transformable marriage for the kids. They need you to fight. Don't think divorce automatically solves the problem. Post-divorce conflict harms kids too.
What's Really Happening
The 'stay for the kids' question has been extensively researched. Here's what the data actually shows:
Paul Amato's landmark studies found that outcomes depend heavily on pre-divorce conflict levels:
- High-conflict marriages: Children showed improved wellbeing after divorce - Low-conflict marriages: Children showed decreased wellbeing after divorce
This challenges both narratives — 'always stay' and 'leaving is fine.'
What harms children most:
1. Ongoing parental conflict — whether married or divorced 2. Loss of relationship with a parent — often the father 3. Economic instability — divorce frequently causes this 4. Parental distress — children absorb parents' emotional states 5. Multiple transitions — moves, new partners, changing custody
Notice: most of these can occur in both intact and divorced families. The structure //blog.bobgerace.com/christian-marriage-measurement-track-what-matters/:matters less than the execution.
What protects children:
1. Low conflict between parents — the single biggest factor 2. Strong relationship with both parents 3. Economic stability 4. Consistency and routine 5. Authoritative parenting (warm + boundaried)
Clinical implications:
If you can transform your marriage into a low-conflict, connected partnership — that's the best outcome for your children.
If divorce happens, your children's wellbeing depends on your ability to co-parent peacefully, stay engaged as their father, and provide stability despite the transition.
'Staying for the kids' in chronic misery helps no one. Transforming for the kids — that's worth fighting for.
What Scripture Says
God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16). This is clear. But God also hates homes filled with contempt, cruelty, and covenant violation. The question isn't just about the structure of marriage — it's about the substance.
Ephesians 5:25 calls husbands to love their wives 'as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.' This isn't 'stay married while being contemptuous.' It's sacrificial transformation. Are you giving yourself up for her flourishing — or just occupying the same space?
Ephesians 6:4 warns fathers not to 'exasperate' their children. A home of chronic conflict exasperates children. They absorb the tension, the anxiety, the hostility. Staying in misery 'for them' may be exasperating them daily.
But Scripture also calls us to perseverance, to covenant faithfulness, to not growing weary in doing good (Galatians 6:9). The call isn't to stay in misery — it's to transform the misery. Fight for the marriage. Become different. Create a home worth staying for.
Mark 10:9: 'What God has joined together, let no one separate.' The goal is always preservation — but preservation of a living marriage, not a corpse. The question isn't whether to stay. It's whether you'll do the work to make staying meaningful.
Your children need parents who model either healthy marriage or healthy divorce. They don't benefit from parents who model chronic misery called 'marriage.'
What To Do Right Now
-
1
Assess the conflict level honestly. Is your home high-conflict (frequent fighting, contempt, hostility) or low-conflict (cold but stable)? This changes the calculus.
-
2
Don't use 'for the kids' as an excuse to avoid transformation. The goal isn't staying — it's becoming. Your children need a transformed home, not a frozen one.
-
3
If she's leaving despite your best efforts, shift focus to divorcing well. Peaceful co-parenting protects kids more than a contentious marriage ever could.
-
4
Get your children into therapy now. Whatever happens, they'll benefit from a safe space to process with a professional.
-
5
Commit to being an excellent father regardless of marital status. Engaged fatherhood protects children through divorce. Absent fatherhood harms them in any family structure.
-
6
Stop fighting in front of them. If you can't resolve conflict, at least contain it. They shouldn't witness adult warfare.
Related Questions
Transform the Home They're In
Your children don't need you to stay or go. They need you to create a home worth being in — married or not.
Build a Better Home →