How do I co-parent during this?
6 min read
Treat co-parenting as a business partnership. You don't have to like each other. You don't have to resolve your marital issues. You do have to communicate clearly about the children, present a united front on important matters, and never — ever — put them in the middle. This means: keep exchanges brief and focused, don't badmouth her to them, don't interrogate them about her, and prioritize their stability over your need to be right.
The Full Picture
Co-parenting during marital crisis is one of the hardest things you'll do. You're emotionally devastated, yet you have to function as a team with the person devastating you.
The mindset shift:
Think of co-parenting as a business relationship. Your 'business' is raising healthy children. You may be dissolving your romantic partnership, but the parenting partnership continues. The standards are different: you don't need emotional intimacy, but you do need professional cooperation.
The essentials:
Communicate about kids, not conflict. Keep discussions focused on logistics, needs, and decisions. This isn't the time to process your relationship.
Present a united front. Even if you disagree privately, don't contradict each other in front of the children. Discuss first, present together.
Maintain consistent boundaries. Rules, bedtimes, expectations should be similar in both homes. Kids exploit inconsistency — and suffer from it.
Keep transitions smooth. Exchanges shouldn't be conflict zones. Keep them brief, polite, and focused on the kids.
The non-negotiables:
Never badmouth her to them. However justified your anger feels, they love her. Attacking her wounds them.
Never use them as messengers. 'Tell your mom she needs to...' This is emotional abuse disguised as convenience.
Never interrogate them. 'What does Mom do when you're there? Is anyone else around?' They're children, not spies.
Never make them choose. Don't ask who they want to live with, who they love more, whose side they're on.
Your children didn't ask for this. Protect them from the crossfire.
What's Really Happening
Research on children and divorce is clear: the primary predictor of child outcomes isn't divorce itself — it's the level of ongoing parental conflict.
What harms children:
- Exposure to conflict — fighting in front of them, even 'just' verbal conflict - Being caught in the middle — forced to carry messages, choose sides, or manage parent emotions - Inconsistent parenting — different rules in different homes, unpredictable schedules - Loss of relationship with a parent — usually the father in divorce situations - Parentification — being turned into the parent's emotional support or caretaker
What protects children:
- Low conflict between parents — business-like cooperation - Strong relationship with both parents — maintained contact and engagement - Consistency — similar expectations, routines, and boundaries - Authoritative parenting — warm but boundaried, from both parents - Parents who manage their own emotions — children aren't responsible for parent wellbeing
The 'business partnership' model:
Successful co-parents treat their relationship like divorced business partners:
1. Communicate in writing when possible (reduces emotional escalation) 2. Keep exchanges transactional and brief 3. Make decisions based on 'business' interests (child wellbeing), not personal grievances 4. Maintain professional respect even when feeling personal contempt 5. Use third parties (mediators, apps) when direct communication is too volatile
This isn't ideal. It's realistic. And it protects your children.
What Scripture Says
Philippians 2:3-4: 'Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.'
In co-parenting, the 'others' whose interests come first are your children. Your hurt, your anger, your desire to be vindicated — these take a back seat to their need for stability and peace.
Romans 12:18: 'If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.' You can't //blog.bobgerace.com/electromagnetic-marriage-physics-control-field/:control her behavior. You can control yours. As far as it depends on you, maintain peace — at least in co-parenting matters.
Colossians 3:13: 'Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.' You may have profound grievances. Forgiveness doesn't mean pretending those don't exist. It means not letting them poison your children's relationship with their mother.
Proverbs 15:1: 'A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.' In every co-parenting interaction, you choose: soft or harsh. Choose soft. Not for her sake — for theirs.
1 Corinthians 13:5 says love 'keeps no record of wrongs.' You may be keeping a record. But don't bring that record into parenting conversations. Keep the focus on the children, not the grievances.
What To Do Right Now
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1
Establish clear communication channels. Email or a co-parenting app (OurFamilyWizard, TalkingParents) provides documentation and reduces emotional escalation.
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2
Create a shared calendar for kids' schedules, activities, and transitions. Reduce ambiguity.
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Agree on core rules and boundaries that apply in both homes. Bedtimes, screen time, homework expectations — consistency helps kids.
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Keep exchanges brief and kid-focused. 'He has a project due Thursday. Did well at soccer today. Needs more socks.' That's it.
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Never discuss adult issues in front of children or through children. If you need to address something contentious, do it in writing or through a mediator.
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Get support for yourself. You need somewhere to process your emotions — that somewhere is not your children or your co-parenting communications.
Related Questions
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