What do I say when kids ask what's happening?
6 min read
Be honest at their level. Acknowledge reality without burdening them with details. 'Mom and Dad are working through some difficult things. That's not your job to fix. We both love you and that won't change.' Don't lie (they know something's wrong), don't over-explain (they don't need adult details), and don't recruit them as allies (that damages them). Answer questions simply and give them permission to ask more later.
The Full Picture
Children are perceptive. They sense tension even when you think you're hiding it. When they ask what's happening, they're seeking safety more than information.
What they're really asking:
- 'Am I safe?' - 'Is this my fault?' - 'Are you okay?' - 'What's going to happen to me?'
Your answers need to address these underlying fears, not just the surface question.
Principles for answering:
Acknowledge reality. 'You've probably noticed Mom and Dad have been upset lately.' Denying obvious tension teaches them not to trust their perceptions.
Keep it simple. 'We're going through a hard time.' You don't need to explain why. You don't need to assign blame. They don't need the adult version.
Protect them from details. 'The details are for grown-ups to figure out.' They shouldn't know about affairs, finances, legal strategies, or who said what.
Reassure without false promises. 'We both love you so much, and that will never change.' Don't promise things you can't control: 'Everything will be fine' might not be true.
Invite questions. 'If you ever want to ask me something or tell me how you're feeling, I'm here.' Leave the door open.
What NOT to say:
- Don't blame: 'Ask your mother why she's doing this.' - Don't recruit: 'You see how hard I'm trying, right?' - Don't overshare: 'She's been talking to a lawyer behind my back.' - Don't minimize: 'Nothing's wrong' (when clearly something is). - Don't catastrophize: 'Our family is falling apart' (even if it feels true).
Your job is to be their parent, not their peer. Answer honestly, protect appropriately, and keep being their anchor.
What's Really Happening
When children ask about parental conflict, they're seeking to regulate their own nervous systems. Your response either helps them feel safe or increases their anxiety.
The neuroscience:
Children co-regulate through their parents. When parents are dysregulated (fighting, tense, emotional), children's nervous systems absorb that stress. Their questions are attempts to understand — and thereby //blog.bobgerace.com/electromagnetic-marriage-physics-control-field/:control — the threat.
Age-appropriate responses:
Ages 3-5: - Keep explanations very simple - Focus on concrete reassurances: 'You still have your room. I'll still read you bedtime stories.' - May need to repeat frequently — young children need repetition for security
Ages 6-11: - Can handle slightly more information - Still need protection from adult details - Watch for 'parentification' — child trying to solve the problem - May ask practical questions: 'Where will I live?' Answer directly.
Ages 12-17: - Can detect dishonesty easily — don't lie - Still shouldn't be recruited as allies or confidants - May push for more details — hold the boundary - Their apparent indifference may mask deep concern
The 'good enough' response:
1. Acknowledge what they've noticed 2. Give minimal but honest explanation 3. Reassure their safety and your love 4. Invite future questions 5. Don't burden them with your emotional needs
Your tone matters as much as your words. Calm, steady delivery communicates safety. Tearful, anxious delivery communicates threat — even if your words say 'everything's okay.'
What Scripture Says
Colossians 3:21: 'Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.' Your children's questions are opportunities to either embitter or encourage. How you answer matters.
Proverbs 12:18: 'The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.' Choose healing words. Don't use your children as weapons or witnesses.
Ephesians 4:15 calls us to 'speak the truth in love.' Both elements matter. Truth without love is brutality. Love without truth is deception. Your children deserve honest answers delivered with protective kindness.
Jesus welcomed children and said the kingdom belongs to such as these (Mark 10:14). He also protected them from scandal and harm (Matthew 18:6). Your call is the same: welcome their questions while protecting them from damage.
Proverbs 17:6: 'Children's children are a crown to the aged, and parents are the pride of their children.' Your children still want to be proud of you. How you handle this crisis — including how you answer their questions — shapes whether they can be.
Be the father they need: honest but appropriate, present but not needy, steady when everything else is shaking.
What To Do Right Now
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Prepare a simple, age-appropriate response before they ask. Know what you'll say so you're not caught off guard.
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Coordinate with her if possible. Consistent messaging from both parents reduces children's anxiety.
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When they ask, regulate yourself first. Take a breath. Your calm helps them feel safe.
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Answer simply, then stop. Don't over-explain. Let them ask follow-up questions if they want more.
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After the conversation, check in with them over the coming days. 'Anything else you're wondering about? I'm here if you want to talk.'
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Watch for behavioral changes that might indicate they need more support — or professional help.
Related Questions
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