She's turning the kids against me — what do I do?
6 min read
First, distinguish between alienation and a child's authentic response to your behavior. If you've been absent, angry, or harmful, their distance may be warranted. If she's genuinely poisoning them against you — badmouthing you, limiting contact, coaching their responses — document everything and consult a family law attorney. But the most important thing you can do is stay present, stay calm, stay loving. Don't retaliate by poisoning them against her. Be the parent who protects their relationship with both of you.
The Full Picture
Feeling like your children are being turned against you is agonizing. But before assuming alienation, you need honest self-reflection.
First, the hard question:
Is their distance because of what she's saying — or because of what you've done? Children sometimes pull away from a parent because that parent has been:
- Absent (physically or emotionally) - Angry or frightening - Inconsistent or unreliable - Critical or harsh - Involved in the marital conflict in ways they've witnessed
If any of this is true, the remedy isn't fighting alienation — it's changing your behavior and rebuilding trust.
Signs of actual alienation:
- She consistently badmouths you to the children - She limits or interferes with your parenting time - Children parrot adult language or accusations they wouldn't naturally use - Children seem coached — their complaints are vague or don't match their age - She rewards children for rejecting you or punishes them for enjoying time with you - Children resist contact without clear, specific, legitimate reasons
What to do:
Document everything. Keep records of interference, denied visits, what children report, and behavioral changes. Be factual, not emotional.
Don't retaliate. The worst thing you can do is counter-alienate — poisoning them against her. This harms them further and damages your position.
Stay present. Keep showing up. Keep being loving. Keep being the parent who doesn't put them in the middle.
Consult an attorney. If alienation is severe, you may need legal intervention. Courts take parental alienation seriously when documented.
Get therapeutic support. For yourself, and potentially for a professional evaluation of the children's situation.
What's Really Happening
Parental alienation is real, but it's also over-claimed. Distinguishing genuine alienation from a child's authentic //blog.bobgerace.com/marriage-separation-christian-response-guide/:response is critical.
Criteria for parental alienation (Dr. Richard Gardner's framework, updated):
1. Campaign of denigration — persistent, irrational rejection of one parent 2. Weak or absurd rationalizations — 'I hate him because he chews loud' 3. Lack of ambivalence — all bad, no good memories 4. Independent thinker phenomenon — 'This is my own opinion, Mom didn't say it' 5. Reflexive support of alienating parent — always takes her side 6. Absence of guilt — no concern about hurting the rejected parent 7. Borrowed scenarios — describes events they couldn't have witnessed 8. Spread to extended family — rejects your entire side
What's often NOT alienation:
- Children preferring the home with fewer rules - Age-appropriate resistance to transitions - Reactions to a parent's actual behavior - Loyalty conflicts (natural in divorce) - Developmental stages (adolescent separation)
The clinical response:
If alienation is occurring, research suggests:
1. Court intervention may be necessary — but courts vary in their understanding 2. Reunification therapy with a specialist can help rebuild relationships 3. Maintaining contact — even resistant children benefit from a parent who keeps trying appropriately 4. Not mirroring the behavior — becoming the non-alienating parent helps children eventually recognize the truth
Alienation cases are complex. Professional evaluation is often needed to determine what's actually happening.
What Scripture Says
Proverbs 6:16-19 lists things God hates, including 'a person who stirs up conflict.' If she's genuinely turning your children against you, this is sin — stirring conflict in the most vulnerable relationships.
But Proverbs 20:11 also says 'Even small children are known by their actions.' Before assuming alienation, ask: What have my actions taught them about me? Do their reactions make sense given my behavior?
Matthew 5:44: 'Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.' If she's persecuting you through your children, the call remains: love, pray, don't retaliate. This is impossibly hard. And it's the only way that protects your children.
1 Peter 3:9: 'Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing.' Counter-alienation — poisoning them against her — repays evil with evil. Be the parent who blesses.
Psalm 27:10: 'Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me.' Your children may currently reject you. They are not lost forever. Continue to be a safe harbor they can return to when they're ready.
Romans 8:28: God works all things together for good. Even this. Keep showing up. Keep loving. Trust that the truth eventually surfaces — especially when lived, not just claimed.
What To Do Right Now
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1
Honest self-examination first. Before assuming alienation, ask: Have I given them legitimate reasons to pull away? Get outside perspective if needed.
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Document concerning behavior. Keep factual records of interference, denied visits, and what children say. Dates, times, specifics.
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Don't retaliate. Never badmouth her to the children, even if she's badmouthing you. Be the non-alienating parent.
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Keep showing up. Don't withdraw. Maintain contact, stay loving, keep being present even when they resist.
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Consult a family law attorney. Understand your legal options, especially if interference with custody is occurring.
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Consider professional evaluation. A child psychologist can assess what's actually happening and may be useful in court.
Related Questions
Don't Lose Your Children
If alienation is happening, you need strategic response — legal and relational. Don't fight this alone.
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