What are 'failed bids for connection' and how many did I miss?
6 min read
A 'bid for connection' is any attempt your wife made to get your attention, affection, or support - from asking about your day to commenting on something funny she saw. Dr. John Gottman's research found that couples who turn toward these bids 86% of the time stay married, while those who only respond 33% of the time end up divorced. The brutal truth? You probably missed hundreds, maybe thousands of these moments. Every time she tried to share something and you grunted while scrolling your phone. Every time she reached for your hand and you didn't notice. Every time she made a joke and you didn't laugh. These weren't just small moments - they were invitations to connect that slowly became walls between you.
The Full Picture
Gottman's research on bids for connection is some of the most eye-opening work in marriage science. He studied newlyweds and tracked them for six years, documenting every attempt partners made to connect with each other.
The three responses to bids: • Turning toward - Engaging positively with the bid • Turning away - Ignoring or missing the bid entirely • Turning against - Responding with irritation or hostility
Here's what most men don't realize: your wife's bids weren't always obvious. They included:
• Sharing random thoughts or observations • Asking for help with small tasks • Making jokes or trying to be playful • Showing you something on her phone • Commenting on the weather, news, or TV • Reaching for physical contact • Asking questions about your day or feelings
The couples who stayed married turned toward these bids 86% of the time. The ones who divorced? Only 33%. That means for every three attempts your wife made to connect, you probably acknowledged only one.
The compound effect is devastating. Each missed bid doesn't just disappear - it accumulates. Your wife starts making fewer bids. She stops trying. Eventually, she stops caring. What began as "he's just distracted" becomes "he doesn't care about me" and finally "this marriage is over."
Most men think connection happens through big gestures or deep conversations. But research proves it's built through thousands of micro-moments where you choose to pay attention instead of turning away.
What's Really Happening
From a therapeutic perspective, failed bids for connection represent a breakdown in what we call 'emotional attunement.' When your wife made these bids, her nervous system was literally reaching out for co-regulation - seeking confirmation that she mattered to you and that the relationship was secure.
Each time you turned away, her brain interpreted this as a micro-rejection. The anterior cingulate cortex, which processes social pain, activated the same way it would if she experienced physical pain. Over time, this creates what we call 'learned helplessness' in relationships.
The neurological impact is significant. Repeated failed bids trigger the threat detection system, causing your wife to exist in a chronic state of hypervigilance about the relationship. Her brain starts scanning for evidence that you don't care, and confirmation bias ensures she finds it.
What makes this particularly damaging is that most men aren't consciously rejecting their wives. You're often in a state of 'continuous partial attention' - juggling work stress, technology, and mental to-do lists. But the female brain, which is typically more attuned to relational cues, experiences this distraction as intentional dismissal.
The good news? The brain's neuroplasticity means these patterns can be changed. When partners consistently turn toward bids, they build what researchers call 'positive sentiment override' - a reservoir of goodwill that helps couples navigate conflict more effectively.
The key is understanding that connection isn't just about quality time - it's about the quality of your attention during micro-interactions throughout each day. These seemingly insignificant moments are actually the building blocks of emotional intimacy.
What Scripture Says
Scripture speaks directly to the heart of connection and attentiveness in relationships. In Philippians 2:4, Paul instructs us: "Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others." This is exactly what turning toward bids for connection accomplishes - it prioritizes your wife's need to be seen and heard.
The concept of being truly present is woven throughout biblical teaching. James 1:19 reminds us: "Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger." How many of your wife's bids for connection went unanswered because you were quick to speak or distracted by your own agenda?
First Peter 3:7 is particularly convicting: "Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered." Living with understanding requires the kind of attentiveness that catches those daily bids for connection.
The greatest commandment framework applies here too. Matthew 22:39 tells us to "love your neighbor as yourself," and your wife is your closest neighbor. When she reaches out with a comment, a touch, or a question, responding with attention is an act of love. Ignoring her is the opposite.
Ecclesiastes 4:12 speaks to the strength found in partnership: "And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken." That cord is strengthened or weakened by how we respond to each other's attempts to connect. Every missed bid weakens the cord; every response strengthens it.
God designed marriage as a reflection of His relationship with us - and He never misses our bids for connection.
What To Do Right Now
-
1
Put down your phone completely when your wife enters the room or starts talking to you
-
2
Practice the 24-hour rule: for one full day, respond to every comment, question, or gesture she makes
-
3
Ask her directly: 'What are some ways I've missed connecting with you?' and listen without defending
-
4
Create phone-free zones during meals, before bed, and first thing in the morning
-
5
Set hourly reminders on your watch to check in with her if you're both home
-
6
Start a daily practice of asking 'How can I support you today?' and actually do what she says
Related Questions
Ready to Stop Missing the Moments That Matter?
Learning to catch and respond to connection bids is a skill that can transform your marriage - but it takes intentional practice and often guidance to break old patterns.
Work With Me →