She doesn't respect me — what do I do?
6 min read
When your wife doesn't show respect, the first step is looking inward. Scripture calls husbands to love sacrificially (Ephesians 5:25), which naturally cultivates respect. Ask yourself: Am I leading with servant-hearted love? Am I keeping my word? Am I making decisions that benefit our family? Respect isn't demanded—it's earned through consistent, loving leadership. Start by examining your own character, communication, and consistency. Then have an honest conversation with your wife about how you can better love her, while also expressing your need to feel valued. Remember, Ephesians 5:33 shows that love and respect work together—when you increase sacrificial love, respect often follows.
The Full Picture
Let's be honest—feeling disrespected by your wife cuts deep. It hits at the core of what most men need to feel valued in marriage. But before we dive into solutions, we need to understand what's really happening here.
Respect is a two-way street, but it starts with leadership. Many husbands make the mistake of demanding respect without first examining whether they're living respectably. Biblical manhood isn't about commanding honor—it's about earning it through consistent, loving actions.
## The Respect-Love Connection
Ephesians 5:33 reveals a crucial dynamic: "However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." Notice the order—love first, then respect. This isn't coincidental.
When wives feel genuinely loved, protected, and cherished, respect flows more naturally. When they feel criticized, ignored, or taken for granted, respect withers. This doesn't excuse disrespectful behavior, but it explains the pattern.
## Common Respect Killers
- Inconsistent leadership: Making promises you don't keep - Selfish decision-making: Prioritizing your wants over family needs - Poor communication: Being defensive, dismissive, or harsh - Lack of spiritual leadership: Not setting the tone for family faith - Financial irresponsibility: Creating stress through poor money management
## The Real Issue
Often, when a wife seems disrespectful, she's actually responding to feeling unloved, unheard, or unsafe. Her disrespect isn't right, but understanding the root helps you address the real problem rather than just the symptoms.
The goal isn't to force respect—it's to create an environment where respect can flourish through your loving leadership.
What's Really Happening
From a psychological perspective, respect issues in marriage often stem from unmet attachment needs and communication breakdowns. When a wife appears disrespectful, we're usually seeing a defensive response to feeling emotionally disconnected or unsafe.
Research shows that women typically respond to emotional safety with admiration and respect. When that safety is threatened—through inconsistent behavior, harsh communication, or feeling unheard—the natural response is emotional withdrawal or defensiveness, which husbands often interpret as disrespect.
The Gottman Institute's research reveals that contempt is the strongest predictor of divorce. However, what looks like contempt might actually be a protest behavior—an attempt to reconnect when other efforts have failed. Understanding this distinction is crucial for healing.
Neurologically, respect and trust are linked. The brain's limbic system evaluates safety before higher-level emotions like respect can emerge. If your wife's nervous system doesn't feel safe with you—due to unpredictable reactions, criticism, or emotional unavailability—respect becomes neurologically difficult.
The solution involves creating consistent emotional safety through: - Predictable, calm responses - Active listening without defensiveness - Following through on commitments - Taking responsibility for your role in conflicts
When wives feel emotionally safe and heard, their natural tendency toward admiration and respect re-emerges. This isn't manipulation—it's understanding how healthy relationships function at a neurological level.
What Scripture Says
Scripture provides clear guidance on earning respect through godly leadership, not demanding it through force or manipulation.
Ephesians 5:25-28 sets the foundation: *"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her... In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself."* Christ's love for the church is sacrificial, consistent, and selfless—this is our model.
1 Peter 3:7 commands: *"Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers."* Notice—we're called to show respect first, treating our wives as fellow heirs in God's kingdom.
Philippians 2:3-4 applies directly: *"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others."* Servant leadership means prioritizing your wife's wellbeing over your need to feel respected.
Colossians 3:19 warns: *"Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them."* Harshness kills respect faster than almost anything else. Gentleness and strength combined create an atmosphere where respect can grow.
Matthew 20:26-27 defines biblical leadership: *"Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all."* True respect comes from serving, not from being served.
The biblical pattern is clear: love sacrificially, lead humbly, speak gently, and serve consistently. Respect follows godly character.
What To Do Right Now
-
1
Examine yourself first. Ask God to reveal areas where you're not living respectably. Are you keeping your word? Leading with love? Speaking with kindness?
-
2
Have an honest conversation. Ask your wife: 'How can I better love and lead our family? What makes you feel most valued?' Listen without defending.
-
3
Start serving immediately. Look for daily ways to serve your wife's needs—emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Let actions demonstrate your love.
-
4
Address disrespect calmly. When disrespect occurs, respond with strength and gentleness: 'I want to hear you, but I need you to speak to me respectfully.'
-
5
Be consistent for 30 days. Commit to loving actions, gentle words, and servant leadership daily. Don't expect immediate changes—focus on your character.
-
6
Seek help if needed. If patterns don't improve after consistent effort, consider marriage coaching or counseling to address deeper issues together.
Related Questions
Ready to Earn the Respect You Desire?
Don't let respect issues destroy your marriage. Get personalized guidance on becoming the loving leader your wife needs and your marriage deserves.
Work With Me →