What if she doesn't want me to lead?
6 min read
When your wife doesn't want you to lead, the problem isn't her resistance—it's usually that you haven't earned the right to lead yet. Biblical leadership isn't about demanding authority; it's about serving so well that others want to follow. Most wives resist leadership when they've experienced control, neglect, or broken promises instead of true servant leadership. Start by examining your own heart and actions. Have you been leading like Christ leads the church—with sacrificial love, consistency, and genuine care for her wellbeing? Or have you been demanding submission without demonstrating the kind of leadership worth following? True biblical leadership creates safety, trust, and flourishing. When wives resist, it's often because they haven't experienced this kind of leadership.
The Full Picture
Here's what most men miss: resistance to leadership is usually resistance to bad leadership. Your wife isn't rejecting God's design—she's protecting herself from leadership that doesn't look like Jesus.
I've worked with hundreds of couples, and the pattern is consistent. Wives who resist their husband's leadership have usually experienced one of these:
- Authoritarian control disguised as biblical leadership - Inconsistent decision-making that left the family in chaos - Selfish choices that prioritized his wants over family needs - Broken promises that destroyed trust - Emotional or spiritual neglect while demanding respect
Real biblical leadership looks nothing like this. When Jesus leads, He serves. When He makes decisions, they're for our good. When He promises something, He delivers. When He asks us to follow, it's because He's already proven His love through sacrifice.
Your wife's resistance might actually be wisdom. She's protecting herself and your family from leadership that hasn't proven itself trustworthy. This isn't rebellion—it's discernment.
The solution isn't to demand submission or quote more verses about wives following husbands. The solution is to become the kind of leader your wife *wants* to follow. When you lead like Christ—with sacrificial love, consistent character, and genuine care for her wellbeing—resistance naturally decreases.
This takes time. If trust has been broken, it requires patience to rebuild. If you've been controlling, you'll need to demonstrate servant-hearted leadership consistently before she feels safe following your lead. But when you get this right, marriage becomes what God designed—a beautiful picture of Christ and the church.
What's Really Happening
From a psychological perspective, resistance to leadership in marriage often stems from attachment injuries and trust deficits. When a wife resists her husband's attempts to lead, she's typically responding to past experiences where leadership felt unsafe or harmful.
The brain's threat-detection system becomes hypervigilant when we've experienced relational trauma. If a woman has encountered controlling behavior, broken promises, or decisions made without her input or wellbeing in mind, her nervous system will naturally resist future attempts at leadership from the same source.
This creates what we call a 'pursue-withdraw' cycle. The husband pursues leadership (often through demanding or pleading), which triggers the wife's threat response, causing her to withdraw or resist more strongly. This increases his frustration, leading to more forceful attempts at leadership, which deepens her resistance.
The solution requires what we call 'earned security.' Trust is rebuilt through consistent, predictable, caring behavior over time. When a husband demonstrates servant leadership—making decisions that prioritize the family's wellbeing, following through on commitments, and creating emotional safety—the wife's nervous system begins to relax.
Neuroplasticity research shows that new patterns can be established, but it requires approximately 90 days of consistent behavior to begin rewiring these trust pathways. The husband must understand that his wife's resistance isn't personal rejection—it's protective behavior based on past experience. Patience, consistency, and genuine care are essential for rebuilding the neurological foundation for healthy leadership dynamics.
What Scripture Says
Scripture is clear about both leadership and how to earn the right to lead. The Bible never supports demanding authority—it calls us to demonstrate it through service.
Ephesians 5:25-28 - "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her... In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies." Christ's leadership began with sacrifice, not demands. He earned our trust through love.
1 Peter 3:7 - "Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers." Notice the warning—wrong treatment affects your relationship with God.
Mark 10:43-44 - "Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all." Jesus redefined leadership as service. Biblical authority flows from proven service, not positional power.
1 Corinthians 11:3 - "But I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God." This headship is modeled after Christ's relationship with the Father—cooperative, loving, and sacrificial.
Ephesians 5:21 - "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." Biblical marriage includes mutual submission and consideration.
Luke 22:26 - "But you are not to be like that. Instead, the greatest among you should be like the youngest, and the one who rules like the one who serves." True leadership serves others' best interests, not our own convenience.
What To Do Right Now
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Stop demanding leadership and start demonstrating it through consistent daily service to your wife and family
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Ask your wife directly: 'What would leadership look like that you'd want to follow?' Listen without defending
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Examine your past leadership—identify where you've been controlling, inconsistent, or selfish, then repent specifically
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Make decisions that clearly prioritize your wife's and family's wellbeing over your own preferences for 90 days straight
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Follow through on every promise, no matter how small, to rebuild trust in your decision-making ability
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Study how Jesus leads—through service, sacrifice, and genuine care—then apply those principles in your marriage daily
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