How do I discern what's right for me?
6 min read
Discerning God's will about remarriage requires a combination of prayer, biblical study, wise counsel, and honest self-examination. God wants to guide you, but He rarely shouts His direction from heaven. Instead, He works through His Word, your circumstances, wise counselors, and the peace that comes from walking in His will. Start by examining your heart motives and healing level. Are you seeking remarriage from loneliness, fear, or genuine readiness for covenant commitment? True discernment requires brutal honesty about where you are spiritually and emotionally. God's timing is perfect, and rushing ahead of Him often leads to repeated heartbreak.
The Full Picture
Discernment isn't a mystical guessing game—it's a biblical process that requires intentionality and patience. Many divorced Christians feel paralyzed by the question of whether they should remarry, often oscillating between desperate longing and guilty fear.
The truth is, God cares deeply about your future and wants to guide you. But His guidance rarely comes as a burning bush experience. Instead, it unfolds through a process of seeking Him wholeheartedly while examining multiple factors.
First, consider your healing journey. Remarriage isn't a cure for loneliness or a shortcut to happiness. If you're still carrying deep wounds, resentment, or unhealthy patterns from your previous marriage, you're not ready—regardless of what Scripture might permit. Healing takes time, and rushing this process often leads to repeating destructive cycles.
Second, examine your motives honestly. Are you seeking remarriage because you're genuinely ready to love sacrificially again, or are you driven by fear of being alone? Are you looking for someone to complete you, or are you already complete in Christ and ready to serve another person?
Third, consider the practical realities. What about your children? Your ex-spouse? Your financial situation? God's will isn't divorced from practical wisdom. Sometimes the loving thing is to wait, even if remarriage might be biblically permissible.
The goal isn't just to avoid sin—it's to honor God and love others well. This requires a holistic approach to discernment that goes beyond simply asking "Am I allowed to remarry?" to "What would best honor God and serve others in my specific situation?"
What's Really Happening
From a therapeutic perspective, the question "What's right for me?" often reveals deeper anxieties about decision-making and self-trust. Many divorced individuals struggle with confidence in their judgment, especially regarding relationships, after experiencing the failure of their marriage.
This decision-making paralysis is often compounded by what we call "analysis paralysis"—the tendency to over-research and over-spiritualize decisions as a way to avoid the vulnerability of actually choosing. Some clients spend years studying every biblical passage about divorce and remarriage, consulting multiple pastors, and seeking signs from God, all while avoiding the deeper work of emotional healing and self-awareness.
Healthy discernment requires both emotional intelligence and spiritual maturity. You need to understand your attachment patterns, communication styles, and conflict resolution skills. Are you repeating the same relational dynamics that contributed to your divorce? Have you developed the emotional regulation skills necessary for healthy conflict?
I often see individuals who are technically "healed" from their divorce but haven't developed the relational skills for a thriving marriage. They've forgiven their ex-spouse and dealt with their anger, but they haven't learned how to communicate needs effectively or manage their own emotional reactions during stress.
True readiness for remarriage includes the ability to be single and content. If you can't be happy alone, you're not ready to make someone else happy. Paradoxically, the people most ready for healthy remarriage are often those who have learned to thrive in singleness—not because they prefer it, but because they've done the work to become emotionally whole.
What Scripture Says
Scripture provides clear principles for discernment, though it doesn't give us a magic formula for decision-making. The process requires active participation in seeking God's will through multiple channels.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6). This foundational passage reminds us that discernment isn't about perfect knowledge but about heart posture. Are you truly submitted to whatever God reveals, even if it's not what you want to hear?
"If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." (James 1:5). God wants to give you wisdom about your future. But notice the context—James is talking about persevering through trials with joy. Sometimes God's wisdom includes embracing a season of singleness as part of His good plan.
"The simple believe anything, but the prudent give thought to their steps." (Proverbs 14:15). Discernment requires careful thought, not just spiritual feelings. Are you honestly evaluating your readiness, your potential partner's character, and the impact on others affected by your decision?
"Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed." (Proverbs 15:22). God typically works through community, not just private prayer. Are you seeking counsel from mature believers who will tell you hard truths? Are you listening to those who know you best and love you most?
"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." (Proverbs 4:23). What's really driving your desire to remarry? Is your heart aligned with God's priorities of holiness, love, and service to others?
What To Do Right Now
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Set aside dedicated time for honest prayer and Bible study about your motives and readiness
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Seek counsel from 2-3 mature believers who know you well and will speak truth lovingly
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Complete a thorough self-assessment of your emotional healing and relational skills
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Examine the potential impact of remarriage on your children, ex-spouse, and others
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Consider professional counseling to address any unresolved issues from your previous marriage
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Practice contentment in singleness while remaining open to God's leading about the future
Related Questions
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