She says he 'gets' her — what does that mean?
6 min read
When she says another man 'gets' her, she's describing an emotional connection that feels deeper and more understanding than what she experiences with you. This phrase typically means he listens without judgment, validates her feelings, shows genuine interest in her thoughts, and makes her feel truly seen and understood as a person. This is one of the most dangerous statements you can hear because it signals that another man is meeting core emotional needs that should be met within your marriage. It's not primarily about physical attraction—it's about feeling emotionally known, valued, and appreciated. The other man likely asks thoughtful questions, remembers important details about her life, and responds with empathy rather than trying to fix or dismiss her concerns.
The Full Picture
When your wife says another man 'gets' her, you're hearing about an emotional intimacy crisis in your marriage. This statement reveals that she feels emotionally disconnected from you and has found that connection elsewhere.
What 'getting' her actually means: - He listens to understand, not to respond or fix - He validates her emotions without judgment - He shows genuine curiosity about her inner world - He remembers details that matter to her - He makes her feel intellectually and emotionally valued - He responds with empathy to her struggles and dreams
The dangerous progression often follows this pattern: First, she feels unheard or misunderstood at home. Then she encounters someone who shows genuine interest in her thoughts and feelings. This creates an emotional high that becomes addictive. She starts comparing this new connection to what she has with you, and you come up short.
This isn't about you being a bad husband. Often, couples simply drift into patterns where they stop being curious about each other. You might have fallen into functional conversations about logistics, schedules, and problems without nurturing the deeper emotional connection that drew you together initially.
The other man has an unfair advantage. He gets her best self—rested, interesting, without the daily stresses of marriage, parenting, and household management. He doesn't see her struggles or bear the weight of real-life responsibilities with her. This creates an artificial intimacy that feels intoxicating but isn't grounded in reality.
Your marriage is at a critical crossroads. Emotional affairs often feel more threatening than physical ones because they involve the heart and mind. When she says he 'gets' her, she's essentially saying she feels more emotionally connected to him than to you—her husband.
What's Really Happening
From a psychological perspective, when a woman says another man 'gets' her, we're witnessing what I call 'emotional attunement displacement.' This occurs when the primary //blog.bobgerace.com/afterglow-intimacy-christian-marriage-sacred-space/:attachment-between-feeling-known-and-wanting-sex) figure—the husband—has gradually become less emotionally responsive, and that crucial need for understanding gets met elsewhere.
The brain's reward system becomes activated when we feel truly understood. This creates dopamine release similar to early romance, which explains why these connections feel so powerful and addictive. The other man provides what psychologists call 'emotional mirroring'—reflecting back her thoughts and feelings in a way that makes her feel valued and seen.
This typically develops through a predictable pattern: emotional hunger in the marriage, accidental emotional feeding from another source, escalating emotional intimacy, and finally rationalization of the connection. She's not necessarily looking for an affair—she's seeking emotional nourishment that's missing at home.
The husband often feels blindsided because he's been focusing on provision, protection, or problem-solving rather than emotional connection. Many men show love through actions rather than emotional attunement, creating a gap the other man easily fills through conversation and emotional responsiveness.
Recovery requires rebuilding emotional intimacy in the marriage while she creates appropriate boundaries with the other person. The husband must learn to provide the emotional connection she's seeking elsewhere, but this takes time and intentional effort. Success depends on both partners recognizing that emotional affairs are symptoms of unmet needs that can be addressed within the marriage when both people are committed to the work.
What Scripture Says
Scripture calls us to the highest standard of emotional intimacy and faithfulness in marriage. When another person 'gets' your spouse in ways you don't, it reveals a breakdown in the biblical design for marriage.
God's design for marital intimacy is comprehensive. Genesis 2:24-25 says, "That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame." This nakedness isn't just physical—it's emotional, spiritual, and intellectual transparency and intimacy.
Jesus emphasized the heart behind our actions. In Matthew 5:28, He taught that adultery begins in the heart, not just in physical acts. Emotional intimacy with someone other than your spouse violates the spirit of marital faithfulness, even when boundaries haven't been physically crossed.
Scripture calls husbands to deep understanding. 1 Peter 3:7 instructs, "Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers." The word 'considerate' means to live with understanding—to truly 'get' your wife.
Love requires intentional knowledge of your spouse. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 describes love as patient, kind, not self-seeking, and keeping no record of wrongs. True biblical love requires knowing your spouse deeply enough to serve their heart, not just their practical needs.
Restoration is possible through repentance and renewal. Ephesians 4:22-24 calls us to "put off your old self" and "put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." Both spouses can learn new patterns of emotional intimacy and faithfulness when they submit to God's design for marriage.
What To Do Right Now
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Ask her to explain what 'getting her' looks like specifically - what does he do or say that makes her feel understood?
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Request that she limit or end contact with this other man while you work on rebuilding emotional connection in your marriage
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Start asking her deeper questions about her thoughts, dreams, struggles, and feelings rather than just logistics and problems
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Practice listening to understand rather than listening to fix, defend, or provide solutions unless she specifically asks for advice
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Schedule regular one-on-one time focused entirely on emotional connection - no phones, no distractions, just genuine interest in her inner world
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Seek professional marriage counseling to learn healthy communication patterns and rebuild the emotional intimacy that's been missing in your relationship
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