How do I put off the old man when he keeps showing up?
6 min read
The 'old man' keeps showing up because transformation is a process, not a one-time event. You're not failing - you're in the middle of God's sanctification work. The key is understanding that putting off the old self isn't about achieving perfection but about consistently choosing the new identity Christ has given you. Start by recognizing the triggers that bring out your old patterns, then immediately redirect your thoughts to who God says you are. Create specific replacement behaviors for each old pattern. When you feel the familiar anger or selfishness rising, you already know what the new response looks like. This isn't about trying harder - it's about training your mind to default to your new identity in Christ.
The Full Picture
Let's get real about what's happening when the 'old man' shows up in your marriage. You know the drill - you're doing great, walking in love, being the husband or wife God called you to be, and then BAM. Something triggers you and suddenly you're responding exactly like you did before you committed to change. The frustration is real, and the shame can be overwhelming.
Here's what you need to understand: This is normal. Paul himself wrote about this struggle in Romans 7, and he was an apostle. The old patterns don't disappear overnight because they're deeply ingrained neural pathways that have been reinforced for years, sometimes decades.
The theological reality is that you have been given a new nature, but your mind is being renewed daily. This means you're living in the tension between 'already' and 'not yet.' You are already a new creation, but you're not yet fully transformed. This isn't a bug in God's system - it's a feature that keeps you dependent on His grace.
The good news? Every time the old man shows up, it's an opportunity to practice putting him off. Think of it like going to the gym. You don't get stronger by avoiding weights - you get stronger by repeatedly lifting them. Each time you choose your new identity over your old patterns, you're building spiritual muscle.
Your spouse needs to understand this process too. They're not married to a finished product, and neither are you. You're both works in progress, and God is using your marriage as one of His primary tools for transformation.
What's Really Happening
From a clinical perspective, what you're experiencing is the natural tension between established neural pathways and the formation of new ones. When we repeatedly engage in certain behaviors or thought patterns, our brains create efficient highways for those responses. The 'old man' represents these well-traveled neural pathways.
Change happens through neuroplasticity - your brain's ability to form new connections. But this process requires consistency, patience, and intentional practice. The old pathways don't disappear; they weaken through disuse while new ones strengthen through repetition.
This is why triggers feel so automatic and powerful. Your brain is trying to be helpful by defaulting to familiar responses, even when they're destructive. The key is creating what I call 'pattern interrupts' - specific strategies that disrupt the automatic response and create space for choice.
Successful transformation involves three elements: awareness (recognizing the trigger), interruption (stopping the automatic response), and replacement (choosing the new behavior). This process becomes easier with practice, but it requires grace for yourself during the learning phase.
In marriage, this dynamic is complicated by your spouse's reactions and expectations. They may unconsciously reinforce old patterns or express frustration when change isn't linear. This is why both partners need to understand the transformation process and commit to supporting each other's growth rather than demanding instant perfection.
What Scripture Says
Scripture is clear about both the reality of our new identity and the ongoing process of transformation. Ephesians 4:22-24 gives us the framework: 'Put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God.'
Notice this isn't a one-time event but an ongoing process of putting off and putting on. Romans 12:2 reinforces this: 'Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind.' Transformation happens through mind renewal, which is a daily discipline.
2 Corinthians 5:17 establishes your identity: 'If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.' This is your positional truth - you ARE a new creation, even when old patterns surface.
Philippians 1:6 provides hope for the process: 'He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.' God isn't finished with you yet, and He won't abandon the transformation He started.
Galatians 5:16-17 acknowledges the ongoing conflict: 'Walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit.' This tension is normal and expected.
1 John 1:9 gives us the reset button: 'If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.' When the old man shows up, confession and recommitment get you back on track immediately.
What To Do Right Now
-
1
Identify your specific triggers - write down the situations, emotions, or circumstances that bring out your old patterns most consistently
-
2
Create replacement responses - for each old pattern, define exactly what the new behavior looks like and practice it when you're calm
-
3
Develop a pattern interrupt - choose a specific phrase, prayer, or physical action that stops the automatic response and creates space for choice
-
4
Establish daily identity reminders - start each day by declaring who God says you are, not focusing on who you used to be
-
5
Build accountability with your spouse - create a signal system where they can lovingly point out when old patterns emerge without shame or condemnation
-
6
Practice immediate reset - when you blow it, confess quickly, recommit to your new identity, and move forward without dwelling in guilt
Related Questions
Ready to Build New Patterns That Stick?
Don't navigate this transformation alone. Get the specific strategies and accountability you need to make lasting change in your marriage.
Get Help Now →