I justify instead of listen

Here's what's really happening when you justify instead of listen: Your spouse shares their hurt, and your brain hijacks the conversation. Instead of hearing "I felt dismissed when you interrupted me," you hear "You're a terrible person who interrupts." So you immediately launch into explaining why you interrupted—you were excited, you had something important to say, you didn't realize they weren't finished.

But here's the problem: none of that changes how they felt. Your justifications might be completely valid, but they're irrelevant to the core issue. Your spouse isn't questioning your motives; they're telling you about their experience.

This pattern is incredibly damaging because it teaches your spouse that their feelings don't matter as much as your reputation. Every time you justify, you're essentially saying, "Your hurt is less important than my need to be understood as a good person."

The justification cycle works like this: - Spouse expresses hurt or concern - You feel criticized or attacked - You defend your actions with explanations - Spouse feels unheard and dismissed - They escalate or shut down - You feel frustrated because your "reasonable" explanations aren't working - The real issue never gets addressed

The most destructive part? You're often right about your motivations. You probably didn't mean to hurt them. You probably had good reasons for what you did. But being right about your intentions doesn't make their hurt less real or valid.

Breaking this pattern requires recognizing that listening and justifying are fundamentally different goals. Listening seeks to understand; justifying seeks to be understood. You can't do both simultaneously.

Scripture consistently calls us to listen before we speak, to be slow to defend ourselves, and to prioritize understanding others over being understood ourselves.

James 1:19 gives us the foundational principle: "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." Notice the order—listen first, speak second. Most justification happens because we reverse this order.

Proverbs 18:13 cuts right to the heart of the issue: "To answer before listening—that is folly and shame." When we justify before we've truly heard our spouse's heart, we're acting foolishly according to God's wisdom.

Philippians 2:3-4 challenges our self-protective instincts: "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." Justification is often about protecting our own interests—our reputation, our sense of being right, our comfort.

Proverbs 15:1 shows us a better way: "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Justifications, even when delivered calmly, often feel harsh to a hurting spouse because they dismiss their emotional experience.

1 Peter 3:8 calls us to "be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble." True listening requires all of these qualities—especially humility and compassion.

The Biblical model is clear: listen first, understand deeply, respond with humility. Our default should be curiosity about our spouse's experience, not defense of our own actions.