She doesn't believe I understand what I did

Here's what's really happening: your wife has moved beyond wanting apologies to needing proof of understanding. She's been hurt, and now she's protecting herself by maintaining doubt about your comprehension of the situation.

This skepticism didn't develop overnight. It likely built up through a pattern where you said you understood, but then repeated similar behaviors or failed to address the root issues. Maybe you apologized quickly without really listening, or you got defensive when she tried to explain how your actions affected her.

She's testing your understanding because understanding equals safety. If you truly comprehend what you did and why it hurt her, you're less likely to do it again. But if your understanding is surface-level or self-serving, she remains vulnerable to being hurt in the same way.

The challenge is that proving understanding requires time and consistency. You can't convince her with words alone—she needs to see evidence through your actions, your questions, your patience with her process, and your willingness to sit with the discomfort of her doubt without becoming defensive.

Right now, every interaction is being evaluated through the lens of 'Does he really get it?' Your responses to her emotions, your proactive changes in behavior, and your ability to articulate not just what you did but why it mattered—all of this contributes to her assessment.

The good news is that genuine understanding can be demonstrated and recognized over time. But it requires you to move past the frustration of not being believed and focus instead on becoming someone who truly deserves to be believed.

Scripture calls us to understanding that goes beyond surface-level acknowledgment. Proverbs 20:5 tells us, *'The purposes of a person's heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out.'* Your wife's heart contains deep waters of hurt that require patient, skillful drawing out—not quick assumptions about what she needs.

James 1:19 instructs us to *'be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.'* When she expresses doubt about your understanding, this is your opportunity to listen more deeply rather than defend your comprehension. Her doubt is information, not attack.

The principle of true repentance appears in 2 Corinthians 7:10-11: *'Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done.'* Notice the demonstrable changes that accompany genuine repentance.

Philippians 2:3-4 challenges us: *'Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.'* Focus on her need to feel understood rather than your need to be believed.

Proverbs 18:13 warns: *'To answer before listening—that is folly and shame.'* Perhaps she doesn't believe you understand because you've been answering before fully listening to the depths of her experience.

1 Peter 3:7 calls husbands to live with wives *'in an understanding way,'* which implies ongoing, deepening comprehension—not one-time acknowledgment of wrongdoing.