How will I know if it's actually working?

After experiencing broken promises and short-lived changes, you've earned the right to be skeptical about whether this time is different. You need concrete indicators—not just feelings or promises—to know whether transformation is actually occurring. Here's what genuinely working change looks like in practice.

First, look for consistency rather than intensity. A man performing change will have dramatic good days followed by disappointing setbacks. A man undergoing real transformation will show steady, gradual improvement with occasional stumbles that he handles differently than before. The pattern matters more than any single instance.

Second, watch how he responds to your doubt. A performing man needs your belief to sustain his effort—when you express skepticism, he becomes defensive, hurt, or resentful. A transforming man can tolerate your doubt because his change isn't dependent on your approval. He's doing this because he needs to become a different man, whether or not you're watching or cheering.

Third, notice whether his change extends beyond your relationship. Real transformation affects how he treats everyone—coworkers, service people, his family of origin, strangers. If he's only different with you, that's performance. Genuine character change is comprehensive.

Fourth, observe his relationship with accountability. Is he actively engaged with other men who challenge him, or is he isolated and self-directed? The coaching methodology requires daily accountability with a brotherhood of men in similar situations. Men who are genuinely changing lean into this accountability; men who are performing resist or resent it.

Fifth, track his handling of stress and conflict. Old patterns reassert themselves most strongly under pressure. A man in genuine transformation will still struggle in difficult moments, but you'll see him catch himself faster, recover more quickly, and take ownership more readily than before.

Sixth, look for appropriate humility. A transforming man doesn't announce his growth or demand recognition. He understands that talking about change is far easier than living it, and he's more interested in accumulating evidence than making claims.

The Four Theater framework used in this coaching provides specific benchmarks for each stage of transformation. Theater 4 (crisis) has different markers than Theater 3 (early change), which differs from Theater 2 (sustained progress). Understanding that transformation is staged helps you recognize progress even when he hasn't reached the destination.

Finally, trust your gut—but give it sufficient data. Your instincts about him are valuable precisely because of your history together. But instincts need time to adjust to new information. Give yourself permission to watch, gather evidence, and let your sense of whether it's working be informed by accumulated observation rather than any single moment.

Scripture provides remarkably practical guidance for discerning genuine transformation from mere appearance. Jesus taught that "you will recognize them by their fruits" (Matthew 7:16)—not by their words, intentions, or promises, but by the actual produce of their lives over time.

The fruit metaphor is instructive. Fruit takes time to develop and cannot be rushed or faked. An apple tree doesn't produce apples by trying hard on any given day—it produces apples by being healthy over seasons. Similarly, the "fruit of the Spirit" described in Galatians 5:22-23 (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control) emerges from spiritual health, not performance.

James was characteristically direct about this: "Show me your faith apart from your works, and I will show you my faith by my works" (James 2:18). He understood that genuine internal change necessarily manifests in observable behavior. Faith that doesn't produce different living isn't genuine faith.

The biblical concept of repentance ("metanoia") means a fundamental change of mind that redirects the entire life, not mere regret or behavior modification. John the Baptist challenged people to "bear fruit in keeping with repentance" (Matthew 3:8)—recognizing that true repentance produces evidence.

Second Corinthians 7:10-11 distinguishes "godly grief" from "worldly grief." Worldly grief produces regret about consequences. Godly grief produces "earnestness," "eagerness to clear oneself," and "zeal"—observable characteristics of a genuinely changed orientation.

As you discern whether his transformation is real, you're doing exactly what Scripture commends: watching for fruit while extending appropriate time for it to develop. This isn't faithlessness—it's wisdom.