What's happening in my nervous system right now?
6 min read
Your nervous system is in full alarm mode right now. What you're experiencing - the racing heart, the inability to sleep, the constant feeling of dread or explosive anger - isn't weakness. It's your body's ancient survival system detecting a massive threat to something you value deeply: your marriage and family. Your sympathetic nervous system has flooded your body with stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. This is why you can't think clearly, why small things set you off, and why you feel like you're losing your mind. Your brain literally can't access its higher functions when it's stuck in survival mode. The good news? Once you understand what's happening, you can start working with your nervous system instead of against it.
The Full Picture
Your nervous system operates like a sophisticated alarm system with three main states: safe and connected, fight or flight, and shutdown. Right now, you're likely cycling between the last two, and it's exhausting.
Fight or Flight Mode shows up as: • Racing thoughts that won't stop • Explosive anger over small things • Constant vigilance and checking her phone/behavior • Inability to sleep or relax • Physical tension in shoulders, jaw, and stomach • Feeling like you need to DO something, anything
Shutdown Mode appears as: • Emotional numbness or feeling "dead inside" • Extreme fatigue despite not sleeping well • Inability to make decisions • Withdrawing from friends and activities • Feeling hopeless or defeated
Many men bounce between these states throughout the day. You might wake up in panic mode, spend the afternoon in shutdown, then swing back to fight-or-flight when she comes home. This isn't mental illness - it's a normal response to an abnormal situation.
The problem is that when your nervous system is dysregulated, you make terrible decisions. You say things you don't mean, react instead of respond, and often push your wife further away. Your nervous system is trying to protect you, but it's using Stone Age solutions for a modern problem. Understanding this is the first step toward getting your power back.
What's Really Happening
From a clinical perspective, you're experiencing what we call nervous system dysregulation. Your autonomic nervous system, which controls involuntary functions, has been hijacked by perceived threat. The attachment system - our deep need for connection and security - is sending danger signals throughout your body.
Research shows that relationship threats activate the same pain centers in the brain as physical injury. When your wife says she's done or wants space, your brain interprets this as a survival threat. The amygdala, your brain's alarm center, floods your system with stress hormones before your prefrontal cortex (logical thinking) can even process what's happening.
This creates what's called amygdala hijack - you're literally not in your right mind. Your capacity for emotional regulation, clear thinking, and wise decision-making is severely compromised. This is why men in marriage crisis often report feeling like they're "going crazy" or "not themselves."
The polyvagal theory explains why you cycle between activation (fight/flight) and shutdown. Your vagus nerve, which regulates your nervous system, is trying to find safety but keeps getting triggered by reminders of the threat - her tone of voice, an unanswered text, or even just waking up and remembering the situation.
Understanding this isn't just academic - it's therapeutic. When you recognize that your responses are biological, not character flaws, you can begin the work of nervous system regulation that's essential for showing up as the man your marriage needs.
What Scripture Says
Scripture acknowledges the reality of fear and its physical effects while pointing us toward God's peace and strength.
Isaiah 41:10 reminds us: *"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."* God doesn't shame you for feeling afraid - He meets you in your fear with His strength.
Psalm 34:18 declares: *"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."* Your nervous system activation isn't separate from your spiritual life - God sees your broken heart and crushed spirit, and He draws near.
Philippians 4:6-7 offers practical wisdom: *"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."* This isn't just positive thinking - it's actively engaging your nervous system through prayer and gratitude.
2 Timothy 1:7 reminds us: *"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, of love and of sound mind."* Your current state isn't your permanent identity - God has given you the capacity for regulation, wisdom, and love.
God designed your nervous system as part of His good creation. When it's dysregulated, He doesn't abandon you to figure it out alone. He provides both spiritual resources and practical wisdom to help you find your way back to peace.
What To Do Right Now
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1
Practice box breathing: Inhale for 4 counts, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4. Repeat 10 times to activate your parasympathetic nervous system.
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Identify your current state: Are you in fight/flight (activated) or shutdown (collapsed)? Simply naming it reduces its power over you.
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Use cold water on your face or wrists to stimulate your vagus nerve and signal safety to your nervous system.
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Engage in bilateral stimulation: Take a 20-minute walk while focusing on the rhythm of your steps to help integrate your stress response.
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Limit caffeine and alcohol, which worsen nervous system dysregulation and make emotional regulation even harder.
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Create a simple morning routine that includes prayer, breathing, and physical movement to start each day from a regulated place.
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You Don't Have To Navigate This Alone
Learning to regulate your nervous system is crucial for saving your marriage. Let me help you develop the tools and strategies you need to show up as your best self during this crisis.
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