How do I distinguish hoovering from genuine pursuit?
6 min read
Hoovering is a manipulation tactic where someone uses intermittent attention, gifts, or promises to keep you emotionally attached without genuine commitment to change. Genuine pursuit, however, involves consistent actions, accountability, and measurable progress toward restoration. The key difference lies in patterns: hoovering creates emotional highs and lows designed to keep you hoping, while genuine pursuit demonstrates sustained effort and transparency. Look for concrete evidence of change, not just words or temporary behaviors. Trust your gut when something feels off - it usually is.
The Full Picture
Hoovering gets its name from the Hoover vacuum cleaner - it's designed to suck you back in when you're trying to leave or create distance. This manipulation tactic shows up when a partner senses they're losing control or when you've started setting boundaries.
Common hoovering tactics include: - Sudden romantic gestures after periods of neglect - Promises to change that aren't backed by action - Love-bombing followed by withdrawal - Emergency situations that "require" your help - Nostalgic reminders of "good times" - Threats of self-harm or desperate pleas
Genuine pursuit looks different: - Consistent daily choices that align with stated intentions - Seeking professional help or counseling - Taking responsibility without making excuses - Respecting your boundaries while working to rebuild trust - Patience with your healing process - Transparency in all areas of life
The timing matters too. Hoovering typically happens when you're pulling away or after you've made a decision to leave. Genuine pursuit doesn't wait for crisis - it's ongoing and proactive. Pay attention to patterns over time, not isolated incidents. A manipulator will cycle through periods of pursuit and neglect, while someone genuinely changing shows steady progress.
What's Really Happening
From a clinical perspective, hoovering activates what we call intermittent reinforcement - the same psychological principle that makes gambling addictive. Your brain releases dopamine when you receive unexpected attention after periods of withdrawal, creating a powerful trauma bond that's difficult to break.
Genuine pursuit operates differently neurologically. It activates your attachment system in healthy ways through consistency and predictability, allowing your nervous system to regulate rather than constantly cycling between hope and disappointment.
The key neurological difference is this: hoovering keeps you in a hypervigilant state, always waiting for the next shoe to drop, while genuine pursuit allows you to relax into security over time. Your body knows the difference even when your mind wants to believe the promises.
I often tell my clients to track their physical responses. With hoovering, you'll notice anxiety, racing heart, or a knot in your stomach even during the 'good' moments. With genuine pursuit, you'll feel increasingly calm and settled as patterns prove trustworthy. Trust your body's wisdom - it's rarely wrong about these things.
What Scripture Says
Scripture gives us clear guidance about recognizing genuine change versus manipulation. Matthew 7:16 tells us, 'By their fruit you will recognize them.' This means we judge authenticity by consistent actions over time, not by words or temporary behaviors.
James 1:8 warns us about double-minded people: 'Such a person is unstable and unreliable in everything they do.' Hoovering creates this exact instability - hot and cold, promising and withdrawing, loving and hurting.
The Bible also teaches us about genuine repentance. 2 Corinthians 7:10 explains: 'Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.' True repentance produces lasting change, while worldly sorrow (often used in hoovering) is temporary and self-serving.
Proverbs 27:14 gives us wisdom about over-the-top gestures: 'Blessing someone too early in the morning sounds like a curse.' When romantic gestures feel excessive or poorly timed, trust that instinct.
1 Thessalonians 5:21 instructs us to 'test everything; hold fast to what is good.' You have both the right and responsibility to test whether someone's pursuit is genuine by observing patterns over time.
Psalm 51:17 shows us what genuine repentance looks like: 'My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.' True change comes from a humble, broken heart, not from a desire to manipulate or control.
What To Do Right Now
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Create a behavior tracking log - document patterns over 30-60 days, not just isolated incidents
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Establish specific, measurable requirements for rebuilt trust (counseling, transparency, etc.)
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Pay attention to your physical responses during interactions - anxiety often signals manipulation
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Set clear boundaries with consequences and observe whether they're consistently respected
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Seek input from trusted friends or counselors who can observe patterns objectively
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Remember that genuine change takes time - be suspicious of dramatic, sudden transformations
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