What does wise counsel look like?

Finding wise counsel isn't about finding someone who tells you what you want to hear. In fact, it's often the opposite. When your marriage is in crisis, you'll encounter two types of advisors: those who validate your feelings and those who challenge your perspective. Wise counsel does both – but in the right proportion and at the right time.

Wise counselors possess several key characteristics. First, they demonstrate fruit of the Spirit in their own lives – love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. You can observe this in how they treat their spouse, their children, and others around them. Second, they have a track record of giving advice that leads to restoration rather than destruction. You can trace their counsel back to see marriages healed, relationships restored, and people growing in Christ-likeness.

They also understand the difference between empathy and enablement. A wise counselor will weep with you in your pain but won't excuse sin – yours or your spouse's. They'll help you see your own contribution to marital problems while also validating legitimate concerns about your spouse's behavior. This balance is crucial because healing requires both personal responsibility and appropriate boundaries.

Perhaps most importantly, wise counselors are comfortable with complexity. They don't offer quick fixes or simple formulas. Instead, they help you navigate the messy realities of marriage while holding onto biblical truth. They understand that God's timing is different from our timing, and they'll help you discern when to wait, when to act, when to confront, and when to extend grace.

Scripture provides clear guidance about seeking and recognizing wise counsel. Proverbs 27:6 tells us, 'Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.' True wise counsel sometimes hurts initially because it exposes areas where we need to grow. Counselors who only affirm and never challenge may feel good in the moment, but they're not helping you mature.

Proverbs 19:20 instructs us to 'Listen to advice and accept discipline, and at the end you will be counted among the wise.' Notice the connection between accepting discipline and becoming wise. Wise counselors will discipline you – not harshly, but with the kind of loving correction that leads to growth.

Galatians 6:1 shows us the heart behind wise counsel: 'Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently.' The goal is always restoration, not condemnation. Wise counselors are driven by hope for your marriage's healing, not by a desire to prove they're right.

Proverbs 15:22 reminds us that 'Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.' This doesn't mean seeking advice from everyone, but rather having multiple sources of godly wisdom. Wise counsel often comes through a community of believers who know you well and love you enough to speak truth.

Finally, 1 Thessalonians 5:14 gives counselors their mandate: 'Warn those who are idle and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone.' Wise counselors know when to warn, when to encourage, and when to simply be patient with your process.