What leverage do I have and should I use it?
6 min read
Yes, you likely have more leverage than you think - but the question isn't whether you should use it, it's how. Most men either don't recognize their influence or they weaponize it out of desperation, both of which push their wives further away. Real leverage in marriage isn't about control or manipulation. It's about understanding your value and influence, then using it to create positive change rather than demand compliance. The men who save their marriages don't use leverage to force outcomes - they use it to create space for their wives to choose to come back. When you understand this distinction, everything changes.
The Full Picture
Let's be honest about what leverage you actually have. You have more influence than you realize, but most men either underestimate it completely or turn it into a weapon that backfires spectacularly.
Your real leverage includes:
• Financial influence - You likely contribute significantly to the household income or assets • Parental authority - You're the father of your children and have equal custody rights • Social connections - Mutual friends, family relationships, community standing • Emotional investment - Years of shared history, memories, and deep knowledge of each other • Practical partnership - The life you've built together has real value and complexity
Here's where most men go wrong: they use leverage like a club instead of a key. They threaten divorce, weaponize finances, or manipulate through the kids. This isn't influence - it's coercion, and it destroys any chance of genuine reconciliation.
The men who succeed understand that true leverage is about making yourself more attractive to choose, not making other choices more painful. They use their influence to create positive momentum, not to corner their wives into compliance.
When she's already acting out or pulling away, heavy-handed leverage tactics will only justify her behavior in her mind. She'll see you as controlling or manipulative, which gives her moral permission to continue down her destructive path. Smart leverage creates space for her to make better choices voluntarily.
What's Really Happening
From a psychological perspective, the concept of 'leverage' in marriage touches on fundamental power dynamics and attachment patterns. When marriages are in crisis, both partners often resort to what psychologists call 'protest behaviors' - attempts to regain connection through increasingly desperate means.
Research in relationship psychology shows that coercive tactics consistently backfire. John Gottman's studies reveal that contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling - what he calls the 'Four Horsemen' - predict divorce with 94% accuracy. Using leverage punitively falls squarely into these destructive patterns.
What works instead is what we call 'earned secure functioning.' This means becoming someone your partner wants to be close to, not someone they have to comply with. The Emotionally Focused Therapy model emphasizes that lasting change comes from shifting the emotional dynamic, not from external pressure.
Psychologically, when someone feels cornered or controlled, their nervous system activates defensive responses. Your wife's brain literally cannot access the parts needed for connection and intimacy when she perceives threat. True influence comes from creating safety, not increasing pressure.
The men who successfully navigate these crises understand that their real power lies in their capacity to change the emotional climate of the relationship. They use their influence to demonstrate growth, create positive experiences, and show up as the version of themselves their wives originally fell in love with - not to force compliance through external pressure.
What Scripture Says
Scripture gives us clear guidance on how to use influence and power in marriage. Ephesians 5:25-28 instructs: 'Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her... In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.' This isn't about controlling your wife - it's about sacrificial leadership that serves her highest good.
1 Peter 3:7 reminds us to 'live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.' Notice the emphasis on understanding and honor, not coercion or manipulation.
Philippians 2:3-4 challenges us: 'Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.' This completely reframes how we think about leverage - not for our advantage, but for mutual flourishing.
Jesus himself demonstrated perfect influence in Matthew 20:26-28: 'Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve.' The greatest power comes through service, not dominance.
Proverbs 27:5-6 teaches us: 'Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.' Sometimes love requires difficult conversations and firm boundaries, but always with the goal of restoration, not punishment.
What To Do Right Now
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1
Inventory your actual influence honestly - write down your financial, social, parental, and emotional leverage without judgment
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Identify any ways you've used leverage destructively in the past and commit to stopping those behaviors immediately
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Choose one area where you can use your influence to serve her interests rather than control her choices
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Create positive momentum by improving yourself in ways that make you more attractive to choose, not harder to leave
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Set healthy boundaries that protect your values without punishing her for her choices
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Focus your influence on becoming the man she originally fell in love with rather than forcing her to be the woman you want
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