What is 'alexithymia' and do I have it?

Alexithymia literally means "no words for emotions," and it's more common in men than women. This isn't about being "tough" or "strong" - it's about having a genuine difficulty accessing and articulating your emotional world.

The signs are often subtle but significant: - You rely on others to tell you how you're feeling - Physical symptoms (headaches, tension, fatigue) appear without obvious cause - You struggle to enjoy activities that used to bring pleasure - Conversations about feelings feel foreign or uncomfortable - You tend to focus on external events rather than internal experiences - Your wife says you seem "checked out" emotionally

This creates real problems in marriage. Your wife needs emotional connection and intimacy. When you can't identify or express what's happening inside you, she feels shut out. She might interpret your emotional unavailability as rejection or lack of care, even when that's not true.

The roots often trace back to childhood - perhaps you grew up in a family where emotions weren't discussed, or you learned early that expressing feelings was unsafe or unwelcome. Maybe you experienced trauma that caused you to disconnect from your emotional world as a protective mechanism.

But here's what you need to understand: This isn't a life sentence. Emotional awareness is like a muscle that can be strengthened. The brain's neuroplasticity means you can literally rewire your ability to recognize and express emotions, even if it feels impossible right now.

God created us as emotional beings, and Scripture is filled with examples of men expressing the full range of human emotions. David poured out his heart in the Psalms: "Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts" (Psalm 139:23). He didn't suppress or ignore his emotions - he brought them before God.

Jesus himself modeled emotional expression. "Jesus wept" (John 11:35) at Lazarus's tomb. He felt "deeply moved in spirit and troubled" (John 11:33). He experienced anger, compassion, joy, and sorrow - and he expressed these emotions authentically.

Scripture calls us to emotional awareness and growth: "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it" (Proverbs 4:23). You can't guard what you can't identify. God wants you to know your own heart so you can steward it well.

In marriage, emotional connection is part of becoming one flesh: "Therefore a man leaves his father and mother and holds fast to his wife, and they become one flesh" (Genesis 2:24). This unity includes emotional intimacy, not just physical or spiritual connection.

Paul encourages us toward maturity: "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me" (1 Corinthians 13:11). Sometimes emotional numbness is a childhood coping mechanism that needs to be outgrown.

God has given us everything we need: "His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life" (2 Peter 1:3). This includes the capacity to grow in emotional intelligence and intimacy.