What should he be working on in order?
6 min read
The order matters because trying to fix everything at once leads to overwhelm and failure. He needs to start with the foundation - his relationship with God and personal character - before moving outward to communication and relationship skills. Think of it like building a house: you can't put up walls before laying the foundation. Most men want to jump straight to fixing the marriage, but without inner transformation first, any changes are just surface-level and won't last. The process must be internal first, then relational.
The Full Picture
Here's the reality most marriage coaches won't tell you: the order he works on things will determine whether your marriage actually heals or just gets a temporary band-aid. I've seen too many couples go through counseling where the husband learns some communication techniques and conflict resolution skills, things improve for a few months, then they're right back where they started - or worse.
The problem isn't that he's not trying. The problem is he's trying to build from the top down instead of the bottom up. It's like trying to grow a tree by focusing on the branches while ignoring the roots. Without a solid foundation, everything else crumbles under pressure.
Most men approach marriage problems the same way they approach work problems - identify the issue, implement a solution, check the box. But marriage transformation doesn't work like a project management system. It requires deep, foundational change that starts with his heart and character, then moves outward to his actions and relationships.
The correct order creates momentum. When he gets his foundation right, everything else becomes easier. His communication improves naturally because he's operating from a place of security and purpose. His leadership becomes authentic because it's rooted in service, not control. His love becomes consistent because it's sourced from God, not just his feelings.
But when men skip steps or try to do everything simultaneously, they burn out, get discouraged, and often give up entirely. That's why having a clear, sequential framework isn't just helpful - it's essential for lasting change.
What's Really Happening
From a therapeutic standpoint, the sequential approach aligns with how the brain actually changes and integrates new patterns. Neuroplasticity research shows us that sustainable behavioral change requires consistent repetition over time, building one neural pathway before layering on the next. When men try to change everything at once, they overwhelm their cognitive and emotional processing capacity, leading to what we call 'change fatigue.'
The order also matters from a systems theory perspective. Marriage is a complex system where every component affects every other component. When a husband starts with internal work - addressing his own emotional regulation, core beliefs, and attachment patterns - he's essentially recalibrating the entire system from the most influential position.
What I observe clinically is that men who follow a structured, sequential approach show measurably better outcomes at 6, 12, and 24-month follow-ups. They report higher confidence, their wives report feeling more secure in the changes, and the relationship shows greater resilience under stress. Conversely, men who attempt a scattered approach often experience what looks like progress initially, but it doesn't withstand real-world pressures because the foundational work was never completed. The brain needs time to solidify new patterns before adding complexity, and marriage restoration is complex work that requires this methodical approach.
What Scripture Says
Scripture consistently emphasizes the importance of proper order and foundation in spiritual growth and relationships. Matthew 7:24-27 gives us the parable of the wise and foolish builders - the wise man built his house on rock, while the foolish man built on sand. When storms came, only the house with the proper foundation survived. This isn't just about faith in general; it's about how we approach all of life, including marriage restoration.
Luke 14:28-30 shows Jesus teaching about counting the cost and building with intentionality: "For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it? Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him." God values careful, sequential planning over impulsive action.
1 Corinthians 3:11 reminds us that Christ must be the foundation: "For no one can lay a foundation other than that which is laid, which is Jesus Christ." Any attempt to rebuild a marriage without first establishing or re-establishing this foundation will ultimately fail.
James 1:4 speaks to the process of maturity: "Let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." The phrase "full effect" implies a process that takes time and proper sequencing.
Finally, Galatians 6:4 instructs us to examine our own work first: "Let each one test his own work." Before a husband can effectively love and lead his wife, he must do the hard work of examining and transforming his own heart and character.
What To Do Right Now
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1
Have him establish a daily relationship with God through prayer and Bible reading - this is the foundation everything else builds on
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2
Address his personal character issues: anger, pride, selfishness, dishonesty - he can't lead others where he hasn't gone himself
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3
Work on emotional regulation and self-awareness - he needs to understand and manage his own emotions before engaging yours
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4
Focus on becoming a consistent, reliable presence - showing up every day in small ways builds trust and credibility
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5
Develop genuine communication skills - listening, empathy, and honest expression rather than just conflict management techniques
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6
Begin leading spiritually and practically - once he's solid in the first five areas, he can start taking initiative in the relationship and family
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