What is 'attachment affair' vs. 'exit affair'?

When I work with couples dealing with infidelity, one of the first things I need to determine is what type of affair we're facing. Not all affairs are created equal, and the distinction between attachment affairs and exit affairs can mean the difference between a marriage that heals stronger than before and one that ends in divorce.

Attachment affairs stem from unmet emotional needs within the marriage. The unfaithful partner typically doesn't set out to have an affair - it develops gradually through emotional intimacy with someone who provides what's missing at home. These individuals often feel genuine love for both their spouse and their affair partner, creating intense internal conflict. They're not trying to escape their marriage; they're trying to fill a void while staying in it. Common triggers include feeling emotionally neglected, unappreciated, or disconnected from their spouse over time.

Exit affairs serve a completely different purpose. Here, the unfaithful partner has already mentally and emotionally left the marriage, even if they haven't physically departed yet. The affair becomes either a conscious strategy to force the end of the marriage or an unconscious way to create enough damage that divorce becomes inevitable. Sometimes it's about finding a 'soft landing' - having someone else lined up before leaving. Other times it's about creating a crisis so dramatic that the betrayed spouse will be the one to end the marriage, allowing the unfaithful partner to avoid taking responsibility for the decision.

The key difference lies in intention and attachment. In attachment affairs, there's still emotional investment in the marriage alongside the affair. In exit affairs, the marriage has already been written off, and the affair is simply the vehicle for departure.

Scripture speaks directly to the heart issues underlying both types of affairs. The Bible doesn't categorize infidelity by type, but it does address the motivations and heart conditions that lead to these different affair patterns.

For attachment affairs, we see the warning in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5: "The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband... Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer." When emotional and physical intimacy breaks down in marriage, it creates vulnerability to seeking that connection elsewhere. This doesn't excuse the affair, but it shows God's design for marriages to be mutually nurturing.

Proverbs 27:14 warns about the power of emotional connection: "If anyone loudly blesses their neighbor early in the morning, it will be taken as a curse." The Message translation puts it this way: "If you wake your friend early in the morning by shouting 'Rise and shine!' It will sound to him more like a curse than a blessing." When spouses stop blessing each other emotionally, others may fill that role inappropriately.

For exit affairs, we see the heart condition described in Malachi 2:14-16: "You ask, 'Why?' It is because the Lord is the witness between you and the wife of your youth. You have been unfaithful to her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant... 'The man who hates and divorces his wife,' says the Lord, the God of Israel, 'does violence to the one he should protect.'" Exit affairs often involve a hardened heart that has already broken covenant internally.

Matthew 19:8-9 addresses this hardness: "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning." Whether dealing with attachment or exit affairs, God's heart is always toward restoration and softening hardened hearts toward covenant faithfulness.