Why does she seem unable to reason about this?
6 min read
Your wife's inability to reason clearly isn't a character flaw—it's neurological. When someone is in limerence (obsessive romantic attraction), their brain chemistry changes dramatically. The prefrontal cortex, responsible for rational decision-making, becomes suppressed while reward pathways flood with dopamine and norepinephrine. This creates a fog that makes logical thinking nearly impossible. Think of it like being under the influence of a powerful drug. Her brain is literally hijacked by neurochemicals that prioritize the limerent object over everything else, including you, the children, and her own values. She's not choosing to be irrational—her brain's executive function is compromised. Understanding this doesn't excuse her behavior, but it explains why reasoning with her feels impossible right now.
The Full Picture
When your wife is deep in limerence with another man, her brain undergoes profound neurochemical changes that literally impair her ability to think rationally. This isn't hyperbole or an excuse—it's documented neuroscience.
The Limerent Brain
During limerence, several key brain regions are affected:
- Prefrontal Cortex Suppression: This area handles executive functions like planning, decision-making, and impulse control. In limerence, it's significantly dampened. - Reward Pathway Activation: The ventral tegmental area floods with dopamine, creating an addiction-like state focused on the limerent object. - Stress Response: Elevated cortisol and norepinephrine create anxiety and obsessive thinking patterns.
What This Looks Like
You'll notice she can't seem to weigh consequences logically. She might say things like "I've never felt this way before" or "You don't understand" while dismissing obvious facts about her situation. She may rationalize destructive choices, minimize the impact on your family, or create false narratives about your marriage.
The Fog Effect
This neurochemical state creates what I call "limerence fog"—a cognitive impairment where: - Long-term thinking becomes nearly impossible - She focuses obsessively on the other person - Your attempts at logical discussion feel like attacks - She experiences physical withdrawal when separated from her limerent object
Duration and Intensity
This state typically lasts 18 months to 3 years if left unchecked. The intensity can fluctuate, but the cognitive impairment remains consistent throughout the active phase. Understanding this timeline helps you realize that her current inability to reason isn't permanent, but it also won't resolve quickly through logical arguments alone.
What's Really Happening
From a clinical perspective, what you're witnessing is a form of cognitive hijacking. The limerent brain shows striking similarities to addiction, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and even psychosis in terms of impaired reality //blog.bobgerace.com/marriage-testing-christian-wife-pass-tests-grace/:testing.
Neurochemical Storm
Research shows that individuals in limerence have: - 40% lower serotonin levels (similar to OCD patients) - Elevated dopamine in reward circuits - Increased norepinephrine causing hypervigilance about the limerent object - Heightened activity in the anterior cingulate cortex, creating obsessive thought patterns
The Rationalization Engine
When the prefrontal cortex is compromised, the brain still tries to make sense of these overwhelming feelings. This leads to elaborate rationalizations that seem bizarre to outside observers. She might rewrite your marriage history, vilify you to justify her feelings, or create fantasy scenarios about her future with the other person.
Therapeutic Implications
Traditional talk therapy often fails during active limerence because the neurochemical state prevents genuine self-reflection. The client literally cannot access the brain regions needed for insight. This is why I often recommend: - No-contact with the limerent object as the first priority - Mindfulness practices to strengthen prefrontal function - Sometimes medication consultation for severe cases
Hope for Recovery
The brain's plasticity means this state isn't permanent. As the neurochemical storm subsides—either through distance from the trigger or natural progression—cognitive function gradually returns. I've seen clients emerge from limerence almost like waking from a dream, often horrified by their previous reasoning.
What Scripture Says
Scripture provides profound insight into the battle between our renewed minds and our fallen nature, which perfectly describes the limerent experience.
The Mind Under Siege
*"For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want."* (Galatians 5:17)
Your wife's compromised reasoning reflects this spiritual battle. Her renewed mind—the part that knows right from wrong—is being overwhelmed by fleshly desires that have neurochemical backing.
The Deception of Sin
*"But each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death."* (James 1:14-15)
Limerence follows this exact pattern: attraction, obsession, rationalization, then destructive action. The "dragged away" language captures how the mind becomes hijacked.
The Renewal Process
*"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."* (Romans 12:2)
Recovery requires active mind renewal, which aligns with what neuroscience shows about rebuilding prefrontal cortex function.
Spiritual Warfare Reality
*"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."* (Ephesians 6:12)
Limerence isn't just neurochemistry—it's spiritual warfare. Satan uses our brain chemistry against us.
*"The simple believe anything, but the prudent give thought to their steps."* (Proverbs 14:15)
Right now, your wife is in the "simple" state—believing the lies her compromised mind is telling her.
What To Do Right Now
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1
Stop trying to reason with her logically - her brain literally cannot process rational arguments while in this state
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2
Focus on consequences, not logic - implement clear boundaries about what behaviors you will and won't tolerate
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3
Educate yourself about limerence - understanding the neuroscience will help you respond strategically rather than emotionally
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4
Insist on no-contact with the other person - this is non-negotiable for her brain chemistry to reset
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5
Get professional help from someone who understands limerence - not all therapists recognize this condition
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6
Pray for her spiritual breakthrough while protecting yourself - ask God to break through the cognitive fog
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