What does 'standing' mean clinically?
6 min read
Clinically, 'standing' refers to a specific therapeutic stance where one spouse maintains unwavering commitment to the marriage covenant despite the other spouse's decision to separate or pursue divorce. It's not passive waiting or denial - it's an active, intentional choice to embody the marriage vows regardless of your spouse's current position. This isn't about manipulation or control. Standing is about becoming the husband and man you were called to be, whether your wife returns or not. It involves genuine personal transformation, consistent loving actions, and maintaining hope while accepting reality. Research shows that when one spouse genuinely stands - not just talks about it - it creates the optimal conditions for marriage restoration.
The Full Picture
Standing is often misunderstood in marriage crisis circles. It's not about being a doormat or ignoring reality. True standing is a disciplined, intentional approach that requires incredible strength and clarity.
What standing actually involves: • Personal transformation - Using this crisis to become the man you were meant to be • Boundary setting - Not enabling destructive behavior while remaining committed • Emotional regulation - Managing your own emotions instead of trying to control hers • Consistent action - Living out love through behavior, not just words • Spiritual grounding - Drawing strength from something bigger than your circumstances
Common mistakes men make: Many guys think standing means becoming passive or tolerating abuse. That's not standing - that's enabling. Others believe it means pursuing harder or trying to convince their wife to return. That's pursuing, not standing.
The difference is crucial: Standing focuses on who you're becoming, not on what she's doing. You're not standing to get her back (though that may happen). You're standing because it's the right thing to do and because it transforms you into the man capable of having the marriage you both want.
Standing requires facing hard truths about yourself, your marriage, and your patterns. It's about taking full responsibility for your part while releasing responsibility for hers.
What's Really Happening
From a clinical perspective, standing activates several powerful psychological mechanisms. Research in attachment theory shows that when one partner becomes securely attached - stable, consistent, and non-anxious - it can shift the entire relational dynamic.
Neurobiologically, standing works because:
It regulates your nervous system. When you stop chasing, pleading, or trying to control outcomes, your stress hormones decrease. This allows for clearer thinking and more attractive behavior patterns. Your wife's nervous system can also begin to settle when she's not constantly managing your emotional dysregulation.
The psychological principles at work:
Standing leverages what we call 'differentiation' - maintaining your sense of self while remaining emotionally connected. This is incredibly attractive and creates safety for your spouse. When someone knows you won't fall apart or become manipulative based on their choices, they feel free to genuinely consider those choices.
Clinical observations show that men who truly stand (not just say they're standing) experience significant personal growth regardless of marital outcome. They develop emotional regulation skills, increase self-awareness, and often resolve generational patterns that contributed to the marriage crisis.
However, standing isn't a strategy to get your wife back. When it becomes manipulative - 'I'll change so she'll return' - it backfires. True standing is an authentic commitment to growth and covenant that your spouse can sense at a deep level.
What Scripture Says
Scripture provides the foundation for understanding standing as covenant commitment, not just emotional attachment.
Malachi 2:16 - "'I hate divorce,' says the Lord God of Israel." This isn't about God being angry at divorced people, but about His heart for covenant faithfulness and the protection it provides.
1 Corinthians 7:11 - "But if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife." Paul acknowledges separation may happen while maintaining the covenant hope.
Hosea 3:3 - "You shall stay with me many days; you shall not play the harlot, nor shall you have a man—so, too, will I be toward you." Hosea's faithful love for unfaithful Gomer demonstrates covenant love that stands regardless of the other's choices.
Ephesians 5:25 - "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her." This calling doesn't change based on how the wife responds. Christ's love isn't conditional on the church's performance.
Romans 5:8 - "But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." This is the model for standing - loving while the other is still in rebellion.
1 Peter 3:1 - "Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives." While directed to wives, the principle applies - transformation through consistent godly behavior, not words.
What To Do Right Now
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Stop all pursuing, convincing, and attempts to change her mind through words or actions
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Begin daily personal inventory - identify your patterns, triggers, and areas needing growth
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Establish consistent spiritual disciplines - prayer, scripture reading, and fellowship with mature men
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Set healthy boundaries - decide what behaviors you will and won't tolerate while remaining committed
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Focus your energy on becoming the man you were created to be, regardless of her response
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Find accountability with other men who understand standing and can support your transformation
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